Part 25 (1/2)

Lauras father promises that he wont go hunting until the baby animals have grown up. Now Anne-Lise has to look up at her son. She smiles. She has no idea what is happening to her. I must have caught a cold.

Clara puts away her doll. Are you crying?

No, no. Its just a cold.

Does it hurt?

No. Not a bit.

Why are you crying then?

Ulrik shouts at his sister, Mommys not crying! Shes got a cold.

Anne-Lise realizes that she is on the verge of falling apart. Her children must not witness this. She has to get away.

Panic grips her. There. Thats it for tonight.

No-o-o!

Anne-Lise fights to suppress her sobbing. Yes, its time to go to sleep. No more reading tonight.

No-o-o. Please. Read some more. Just a little.

HENRIK! HENRIK! Please come here!

She runs out. Henrik comes toward her. Her sobbing is out of control.

Go to the children. Read them a story.

She stumbles into their bedroom, shuts the door, and throws herself on their bed, covering her head with a pillow to m.u.f.fle the sounds she is making.

Once the children are asleep, Henrik returns to Anne-Lise, walks quietly over to the bed, and sits down close to her. She doesnt open her eyes, but senses his body weighing down the mattress next to her head. She is glad that he is there and blindly reaches out her hand to him. He takes it and strokes her temple with his other hand. They do not speak.

Crying has left Anne-Lise feeling hot and completely empty. The sensation of her body dissolving washes over her. She feels as if she is seeping away, through the mattress, draining down through the boards and beams of the house, through the s.p.a.ces of brick and cement.

Henrik is asking her to please tell him whats the matter. She mutters in response, pressing her nose in between his thigh and the mattress. Its good to feel the warmth of him. Her hand rests between his legs. He asks her again. She doesnt answer, only begins to move her hand.

Anne-Lise, is this a good idea?

She looks up at him.

He gets up, closes the door, and dims the light. One of the good things about their solidly built old house is that sounds do not travel. Once the door is closed, there is no need to worry about the children.

His chest is against hers. Every pore in her skin is wide open. Shes sweating.

Whats happening? Henrik asks. Shes never been like this before. I love it, he says, and I didnt think you felt this way.

And then they are both silent.

A pillow falls to the floor with a faint thump, then the duvet follows, absorbing its own sound as it falls.

This is how I want to die, she thinks. To disappear like this, happy, because in reality, Im already gone.

Every time he thrusts into her, words form silently inside her. Kill me, she thinks. She must not say it aloud. He would stop at once.

Now shes nearly reduced to nothingness. Softly, she dreams on.

Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

Anne-Lise has never experienced anything like this. Not with anyone. She registers his smell.

Something has given way inside the mattress. The springs groan like a giant struggling for breath. Anne-Lise finally slips away while her mind whispers on inaudibly.

Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!.

chapter 27.

all day long Anne-Lise imagines that everything will change now.

True, she knows that she pays far too much attention to what Malene and Iben do, even to the expressions on their faces. All the interpretation and forecasting exhausts her. Still, today something radically new has happened.

In the morning Iben had phoned from National Hospitals rheumatology clinic. She was there with Malene, who was ill. Iben had said that Tatiana planned to write an important article and suggested that Anne-Lise should call Tatiana and offer to help.

None of her new colleagues had ever done anything like this. Anne-Lise phoned Henrik right away.

There, you see. Maybe well collaborate from now on.

He said yes and was so nice to her. She knows well that he doesnt take any of her fantasies, as he calls them, seriously.

A small part of her is aware that real change isnt very likely. It makes her more vulnerable. Every time they turn on the kindness she cant help thinking that all the tension might be due to her own misunderstanding, or pileup of misunderstandings.

The day at the DCIG is over and Anne-Lise is about to pick Clara up from her nursery cla.s.s. As she walks into the small yellow-brick school, she meets other parents and children she knows. A good day at the office means that she is not her usual worn-out self, and a cheerful tune she heard on the car radio is playing in her head. This afternoon she almost feels as she used to feel before the DCIG.

She walks through the first, then the second set of doors to the main room. Its quiet in there. After saying h.e.l.lo to a father who is leaving with his two children, she spots Clara at a table, cutting shapes from s.h.i.+ny pieces of colored paper. Anne-Lise sits down and helps her stick the shapes onto a plain white sheet.

Almost at once a teacher comes along to tell her that Clara has been involved in fights twice that day. The second time she fought with a boy and hit him on the head with a branch. The teachers had to bandage the wound.

Anne-Lises cell phone rings. Its Paul. She interrupts the teacher. Im sorry, but its my boss. Do you mind if I take the call?

Paul sounds as if its urgent. h.e.l.lo, Anne-Lise. All right for us to talk?

Yes, fine.

Thats good. Listen, Ive just had a call from Iben. Shes in the hospital.

Yes?