Part 8 (1/2)

chapter 9.

malene, Iben, and Camilla sit together in silence. Theyre waiting, their hands lying on the table. How will Anne-Lise reply?

Holding the small dish with cheese and liver pate, Anne-Lise stops, her eyes glued to the tabletop. She mumbles an answer, so low that it is hard to grasp what she is saying: I feel the same way as you do. Id like to have someone to talk to.

The responses come in a rush. What do you mean?

You have us to talk to, anytime you like.

Were here for you.

She cant see how she can answer them, how she can be friendly and honest at the same time. She cannot allow the smallest crack in the wall of lies she has built to protect herself, or the truth will come flooding in the real truth full of anger and tears and howls of hatred. She can no longer imagine a constructive way of being truthful.

Anne-Lise remains silent.

Malene apparently takes no notice. She addresses the other two. We know that Anne-Lise doesnt work closely with anyone else. Not the way we do.

Iben and Camilla join in, their voices confident and confiding.

She cant chat the way we do when were sitting at our desks.

But thats hardly our fault.

Come on, n.o.body has said that its anybodys fault.

Anne-Lise, you know you can always come and join us. It isnt as if your office is shut off, is it?

But somehow it sounded as if wed done something wrong.

Oh, no. No.

Anne-Lise, what do you really mean?

Do you think we dont want to talk to you? It sounded a bit like that.

You dont think that, do you? You know you can always come to see us, dont you?

All three of them are looking at her. Anne-Lise summons all her courage to speak. She almost spits out the words, enunciating each one crisply: You three are such good friends. Clearly that is why you speak to each other in a different way from the way you speak to me. She stares at the plate in her hand, then at the lunch table. The smell of the food is getting to her.

Malene smiles. Thats true. Iben and I are old friends and thats you know different from being friendly with people you work with.

Again, their words pour out almost in unison.

Naturally.

People who work together should treat each other well that goes without saying. But thats quite different from being close friends.

Ive come to the library loads of times to ask if you wanted something, like when I was going the bakery or the supermarket.

And when we take a break we always tell you.

Iben leans forward and her face has an earnest expression. We dont always remember to go to the library and tell Anne-Lise if were having an interesting discussion. We probably could do better, couldnt we?

Anne-Lises throat tightens. The conversation isnt over yet.

Malene looks at her and raises her voice just enough to be heard above the other two. Now, you must admit its understandable if anyone talks more with a close friend than with a colleague?

Camilla wont let go either. Theres no way we can work out how much it means to you if you dont tell us. Many people really do prefer to keep to themselves.

Malene nods pleasantly at Camilla. Id like to hear what Anne-Lise has to say.

Anne-Lise realizes that she needs to pee. Her voice is faint. Yes Malene is staring straight at her with genuine interest. Anne-Lise finally tries to say something, more to herself: Yes, of course I understand.

She knows when she tells Henrik about this he will be irritated with her for backing down.

The others continue to protest their innocence to each other.

After a while Anne-Lise tries to add something else. Maybe Id rather not be so She thinks of Henrik and tries to finish her sentence with conviction. Well, it matters to me that Im supposed to keep my door shut.

Camilla suddenly stands. With both hands on the table, she leans toward Anne-Lise. Whats this? Weve been through it before, Anne-Lise. Camilla takes a deep breath and looks at Malene and Iben for support. We agreed! And I dont want to go over it again!

Iben makes a small gesture for Camilla to sit down, but Camilla hasnt finished.

I wont put my health on the line just so the door can be left open. I simply wont!

Iben gently replies. But Anne-Lise didnt say that the door has to be open. Shes only saying it makes a difference to her that its shut.

Anger is bringing out red spots on Camillas neck. Ive read all about it. Its the drafts you dont notice that are the most dangerous. Drafts can make you an invalid! Force you into early retirement!

They all pause, waiting for Anne-Lise to speak. Its too much. Outside the sun breaks through the clouds, suddenly brightening the room.

She opens her mouth, but the words dont come. Suddenly shes aware of pressure behind her eyes. She manages to keep the tears back, but her hands and arms begin to tremble. This will not do. She cant just sit here, speechless and shaking.

The others are exchanging looks.

Oh, theyll be able to use this against her, all right. From now on theyll say she is mentally unstable. She has never trembled like this before, as if she were an alcoholic or a drug addict.

Her words come too quickly: And then theres the whole thing about the library users, the fact that Im not allowed to talk to them. If I could, it would make a difference. In other libraries, researchers contact the librarian. I thought Id be the Centers librarian and people would come to me. I didnt think Id just be doing archival work. Thats what they told me when I was interviewed Malene interrupts. Her voice sounds truly caring, warm and rea.s.suring. Anne-Lise, if you feel like an outsider here, its good that youve told us. We can do something about it now. I must say that I dont believe its the only reason you feel so unhappy, but even if this place isnt as bad as you think, we still need to work something out. You mustnt feel so bad. You can be absolutely certain that we all want to help you.

Anne-Lise raises her head and sees Malene look quickly at the other two, who are nodding nervously.

I think youve made such a good start by telling us about how youve been feeling. Maybe the next thing to do is to arrange a meeting with Paul and decide on some changes together. How do you think that sounds?

It sounds like a good idea.