Part 22 (2/2)

Justin laughed in spite of the distress that hovered over them. ”You're so d.a.m.n superior.”

Grant shrugged cheerfully. ”Born-men are so blind to other norms. We aren't.” Another piece of wafer hit the water, and a koi took it, sending out ripples that disturbed the lotus. ”I tell you, all the trouble with alien contacts is preconceptions. They should send us.”

”This is the man who says Novgorod would be too foreign.”

”Us. You and me. I wouldn't worry then.”

A long pause. Justin held the napkin of wafers still in his hands. ”I wish to h.e.l.l there was a place.”

”Don't worry about it.” It was not Novgorod Grant meant. Of a sudden the shadow was back. The cold was back in the wind. ”Don't. It's all right.”

Justin nodded, mute. They were so close. He had had letters from Jordan. They looked like lace, with sentences physically cut from the paper. But they said, in one salutation: h.e.l.lo, son. I hear you and Grant are well. I read and re-read all your letters. The old ones are wearing out. Please send more. h.e.l.lo, son. I hear you and Grant are well. I read and re-read all your letters. The old ones are wearing out. Please send more.

His sense of humor is intact, he had commented to Grant. And he and Grant had read and re-read that letter too, for all the little cues it had given him about Jordan's state of mind. Read and re-read the others that got through. Page after page of how the weather was. Talk about Paul-constantly, Paul and I. Paul and I. That had rea.s.sured him too. That had rea.s.sured him too.

Things are moving, Denys had said, when he brought up the subject of sending voice tapes. Or making phone calls, carefully monitored.

And they had been so close to getting that permission.

”I can't help but worry,” Justin said. ”Grant, we've got to be so d.a.m.n clean for the next little while. And it won't finish it. It won't be the last time. You or I don't have to have done anything.”

”They brought the girl there. They didn't stop us from coming. Maybe they didn't expect what happened, but it wasn't our doing. A roomful of psychologists-and they froze. They cued the girl. She was reading them, them, not us. It's that flux-thinking again. Born-men. They didn't want what happened; and they not us. It's that flux-thinking again. Born-men. They didn't want what happened; and they did did want it, they set up the whole thing to show Ari off, and she was want it, they set up the whole thing to show Ari off, and she was doing doing it-she was proving what they've worked to prove. And proving nothing. Maybe we cued her. We were watching her. I got caught at it. Maybe that made her curious. She's four years old, Justin. And the whole room jumped. What's any four-year-old going to do?” it-she was proving what they've worked to prove. And proving nothing. Maybe we cued her. We were watching her. I got caught at it. Maybe that made her curious. She's four years old, Justin. And the whole room jumped. What's any four-year-old going to do?”

”Run to her mother, dammit. She started to. Then everybody relaxed and she picked that up too. And got this look-” He twitched his shoulders as a sudden chill got down his neck. Then shoved his imagination back down again and tried to think. The way no one had, last night.

”Does it occur to you,” Grant said, ”the fallibility of CIT memory? Flux-thinking. You have prophetic dreams, remember? You You can dream about a man drinking a gla.s.s of milk. A week later you can see Yanni drinking tea at lunch and if seeing him do that has a high shock-value, you'll super the dream-state right over him, you'll swear you dreamed about him doing that, exactly at that table, and even psychprobe can't sort it out after that. It's happened to me twice in my life. And when it does, I take my tape out of the vault and betake myself to the couch for a session until I feel better. Listen to me: I'll concede the child's behavior may have been significant. I'll wait to see how it integrates with other behavior. But if you want my a.n.a.lysis of the situation, every CIT in that room went dream-state. Including you. Ma.s.s hallucination. The only sane people in that room for thirty seconds were the azi and that kid, and most of us were keyed on our CITs and bewildered as h.e.l.l.” can dream about a man drinking a gla.s.s of milk. A week later you can see Yanni drinking tea at lunch and if seeing him do that has a high shock-value, you'll super the dream-state right over him, you'll swear you dreamed about him doing that, exactly at that table, and even psychprobe can't sort it out after that. It's happened to me twice in my life. And when it does, I take my tape out of the vault and betake myself to the couch for a session until I feel better. Listen to me: I'll concede the child's behavior may have been significant. I'll wait to see how it integrates with other behavior. But if you want my a.n.a.lysis of the situation, every CIT in that room went dream-state. Including you. Ma.s.s hallucination. The only sane people in that room for thirty seconds were the azi and that kid, and most of us were keyed on our CITs and bewildered as h.e.l.l.”

”Except you?”

”I was watching you and and her.” her.”

Justin gave a heavy sigh and some of the tension went out of him. It was nothing, G.o.d knew, he did not know. know. It was what Grant said, a roomful of psychologists forgot their science. Flux-thinking. Shades of values. ”h.e.l.l with Hauptmann,” he muttered. ”I'm becoming an Emoryite.” Two more quiet breaths. He could remember it with less emotional charge now and see the child-instead of the woman. It was what Grant said, a roomful of psychologists forgot their science. Flux-thinking. Shades of values. ”h.e.l.l with Hauptmann,” he muttered. ”I'm becoming an Emoryite.” Two more quiet breaths. He could remember it with less emotional charge now and see the child-instead of the woman. I'm going to a party at Valery's. I'm going to a party at Valery's.

Not a touch of maliciousness in that. She had not been playing her game then. She had looked up with a face as innocent as any child's and offered a let's-be-friends opening. Them and Us. Peace-making, maybe. He was not in touch with his own four-year-old memories. Jacobs, who worked that level in citizen psych, could tell him what a four-year-old CIT was like. But he could haul up a few things out of that dark water: Jordan's face when he was in his thirties.

Himself and Grant feeding the pond-fish. Four or five or six. He was not sure. It was one of his oldest memories and he could not pin it down.

And he sweated, suddenly, shying off.

Why? Why do I do that?

What's wrong with me?

Walls.

Children-had not been an interest of his. Emphatically-not an interest of his. He had mentally s.h.i.+ed off every chance to learn, fled his own childhood like a territory he was not going back to; and the preoccupation of Reseune with the Project had disgusted him.

Twenty-three years old and a fool, doing routine work, wasting himself, not thinking to left and right. Just straight down a track. Not checking out much tape because tape meant helplessness; because tape opened up areas he did not want opened.

Throwing down those walls to then, then, to Jordan, to anything that had been-brought the anger up, made his palms sweat. Getting involved- to Jordan, to anything that had been-brought the anger up, made his palms sweat. Getting involved- But they had become become involved. involved.

”It's a trap, isn't it?” he said to Grant. ”Your psychset won't let you see what I saw. But is it valid for her, her, Grant? She has that flux-dimension, and so do all us CITs.” Grant? She has that flux-dimension, and so do all us CITs.”

Grant gave a humorless laugh. ”You're conceding I'm right.”

”It was a roomful of CITs being fools. But maybe we saw something you didn't.”

”Flux. Flux. Klein bottles. True and not-true. I'm glad glad I know what planet I'm standing on, all the time. And I saw what I saw without supering the past I know what planet I'm standing on, all the time. And I saw what I saw without supering the past or or the future.” the future.”

”d.a.m.n. Sometimes I wish I could borrow your tape.”

Grant shook his head. ”You're right too. About seeing things I don't. I know you do. I'm worried. I'm worried because I know I can't see the situation the way a CIT does. I can logic my way through what you'll do, but d.a.m.ned if I can understand the flux.”

”You mean your pathways are so down azi-tracks you don't see it.” He could not let the Hauptmann-Emory debate pa.s.s; Grant nattered at him with it all the time, and Grant was trying him with it now. Under the other things, a little touch of clinical perspective: get out of it, Justin. Don't react. Think. get out of it, Justin. Don't react. Think.

”I mean,” Grant said, ”if we were all azi we wouldn't have have this problem. And this problem. And she she wouldn't: they could install the d.a.m.n psychset and she'd be exactly what they wanted. But she isn't. They aren't. Rationality isn't what they're after, it's not what they're practicing. From where I stand, you're as upside down as they are, and I wish to h.e.l.l you'd listen to me and keep your head down, throw out the hallucinations, and don't react. Any possible trouble is years away. There's time to prepare for it.” wouldn't: they could install the d.a.m.n psychset and she'd be exactly what they wanted. But she isn't. They aren't. Rationality isn't what they're after, it's not what they're practicing. From where I stand, you're as upside down as they are, and I wish to h.e.l.l you'd listen to me and keep your head down, throw out the hallucinations, and don't react. Any possible trouble is years away. There's time to prepare for it.”

”You're absolutely right: we're not dealing with azi mindset here. They're not a h.e.l.l of a lot careful. If anything goes wrong with their precious project next week they'll know it was my fault. Anytime that kid crosses my path-there's no way I can be innocent. Facts have nothing to do with it. She's just d.a.m.n well killed any chance of getting any give in Jordan's situation; h.e.l.l, they may not even let the letters through-”

”Don't look look for blame. Don't act as if you have it. Mark me: if you go around reacting, they'll react.” for blame. Don't act as if you have it. Mark me: if you go around reacting, they'll react.”

Ari's voice. Out of the past. Sweet, get control of yourself. Boy, I do appreciate your distress, but get a grip on it. Are you afraid of women, sweet? Your father is. Family is such a liability. Sweet, get control of yourself. Boy, I do appreciate your distress, but get a grip on it. Are you afraid of women, sweet? Your father is. Family is such a liability.

He rested his head in his hands and knew even when he did it that he had lost his edge, lost everything, scattered it as thoroughly as he could manage it-all the fine-edged logic, all the control, all the defensive mechanisms. He walked Reseune's corridors like a ghost, laid himself open to everyone, s.h.i.+elded no reactions. See, I'm harmless. See, I'm harmless.

No one had to worry about him. He was all nerves and reactions. He detected everyone's vague distaste and their caution around him. Jordan's calamity and his own guilt over precipitating it had taken the fight out of him, maybe made him half crazy, that was what they had to think.

Except the handful who had seen the tapes. Who had seen those d.a.m.nable tapes and knew what Ari had done, knew why he waked in cold sweats and why he s.h.i.+ed off from people touching him or being near him. Especially Petros Ivanov knew, having probed his mind after Giraud and everyone had done with him. I'm going to do a little intervention, I'm going to do a little intervention, Petros had said, patting his shoulder while he was going under; it had taken three large Security men to get him over there to hospital and several interns to get the drug into him. Giraud's orders. Petros had said, patting his shoulder while he was going under; it had taken three large Security men to get him over there to hospital and several interns to get the drug into him. Giraud's orders. I'm just going to tell you it's all right. That you're safe. You've been through trauma. I'm going to close off that time. All right? Relax. You know me, Justin. You know I'm on your side. . . . I'm just going to tell you it's all right. That you're safe. You've been through trauma. I'm going to close off that time. All right? Relax. You know me, Justin. You know I'm on your side. . . .

O G.o.d, what did they do to me? Ari, Giraud, Petros- He wept. Grant put a hand on his arm. Grant was the only one, the only one who could. The child had touched his hand. And he had flashed-back. It was like touching a corpse. He wept. Grant put a hand on his arm. Grant was the only one, the only one who could. The child had touched his hand. And he had flashed-back. It was like touching a corpse.

He sat like that for a long time. Until he heard voices, and knew other people were on the walk, far across the quadrangle. There was a hedge to hide them. But he made the effort to pull himself together. ”Justin?” Grant said. ”I'm all right. Dammit.” And, which he had never said to Grant: ”Petros did something to me. Or Giraud did. Or Ari. Don't you see it? Don't you see a difference?”

”No.”

”Tell me the truth, dammit!”

Grant flinched. A strange, distant kind of flinching. And pain, after that. Profound pain.

”Grant? Do you you think they did something to me?” think they did something to me?”

”I don't understand born-men,” Grant said.

”Don't give me that s.h.i.+t!”

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