Part 19 (1/2)

xii He had thought there could be no more shocks.

But Petros Ivanov met him at the door of the hospital, took him away from his Security escort and walked with him to Grant's room.

”How is he?” he asked before they got there.

”Not doing well,” Ivanov said. ”I wanted to warn you.” Ivanov said other things, how they had had to put Grant under probe again; and how he had gone into shock; how they took him out to the garden in a chair every day, how they ma.s.saged him and bathed him and waited on treatment because Denys had kept telling them Justin was going to come, this day, and the next day and the next-they were afraid afraid to probe Grant again, because he was right on the edge, and they thought there might be illegal codewords, words not in the psych record. to probe Grant again, because he was right on the edge, and they thought there might be illegal codewords, words not in the psych record.

”No,” he said before he pushed Grant's door open. And wanted to kill Ivanov. Wanted to beat him to a b.l.o.o.d.y pulp and go for the staff next and Giraud Nye into the bargain. ”No. There aren't any codewords. Dammit, I told told him I'd come back. And he was waiting.” him I'd come back. And he was waiting.”

Grant was still waiting. Right now he had his hair combed, looked comfortable enough unless you knew he did not move on his own. Unless you knew he had lost weight and the skin was too transparent and you saw the gla.s.siness in the eyes and took his hand and felt the lack of muscle tone. ”Grant,” he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. ”Grant, it's me. It's all right.”

Grant did not even blink.

”Get out of here,” he said to Ivanov, with a glance over his shoulder; and did not try to be polite. Ivanov left.

He s.h.i.+fted over and gently unfastened the restraints they kept on him. He was calmer than he had thought he could be. He picked up Grant's arm and laid it across him so he had room to sit, and raised the head of the bed a little. He reached then and with two fingers along Grant's jaw, turned his face toward him. It was like moving a mannequin. But Grant blinked. ”Grant? It's Justin.” Another blink.

O G.o.d, he had thought Grant would be gone. He had thought he was coming in here to find a half-corpse that they could not do anything with except put down. He was prepared for that... in five minutes from the front door to Grant's room he had gone from the hope of recovering Grant to the expectation of losing him. Now it was full circle.

Now he was scared. He was safe safe if Grant was dead. if Grant was dead. O G.o.d! O G.o.d! d.a.m.n d.a.m.n me for thinking like that! Where did I learn to think like that? Where did I learn to be that cold? Is it tape-flash too? What did she me for thinking like that! Where did I learn to think like that? Where did I learn to be that cold? Is it tape-flash too? What did she do do to me? to me?

He felt like he was coming apart-felt hysteria welling up like a tide; and Grant did not need that. His hand was shaking when he took Grant's hand in his. And even then he thought of Ari's apartment, how the room had looked. He began talking to distract himself, not knowing what he was saying, not wanting to think again the thought that had flashed through his mind, like it was somebody else's. He knew that he could not touch people anymore without it being s.e.xual. He could not hold on to a friend. Or embrace his father. He kept remembering, day and night; and he knew that it was dangerous to love anyone because of the ugliness in his mind, because he was always thinking thoughts that would horrify them if they knew.

And because Ari was right, if you loved anyone They could get to you, the way They had gotten to Jordan. Grant was the way to him. Of course. That was why They had let him have Grant back.

He was not on his own now. Someday Grant was going to lay him wide open to his enemies. Maybe get him killed. Or worse-do to him what he had done to Jordan.

But until then he was not alone, either. Until then, for a few years, he could have something precious to him. Until Grant found out what kind of ugliness he had in him. Or even after Grant found out. Grant, being azi, would forgive anything.

”Grant, I'm here. I told you I'd come. I'm here.”

Perhaps for Grant it was still that night. Perhaps he could go back to that, and pick it up again at the morning after.

Another blink, and another.

”Come on, Grant. No more nonsense. You fooled them. Come on. Squeeze my hand. You can do that.”

Fingers tightened. Just slightly. The breathing rate increased. He shook at Grant slightly, reached up and flicked a finger against his cheek.

”Hey. Feel that? Come on. I'm not taking any of this. It's me. Dammit, I want to talk to you. Pay attention.”

The lips acquired muscle tone. Relaxed again. The breaths were hard now. Several rapid blinks.

”Are you listening?”

Grant nodded.

”Good.” He was shaking. He tried to stop it. ”We've got a problem. But I've got permission to get you out of here. If you can wake up.”

”Is it morning?”

He drew a quick breath, thought at first to say yes, then thought that disorientation was dangerous. That Grant was wary. That Grant might pull back at a lie. ”A little later than that. There was a glitch-up. A bad one. I'll explain later. Can you move your arm?”

Grant moved it, a little twitch. A lift of the hand, then. ”I'm weak. I'm awfully weak.”

”That's all right. They're going to take you over in the bus. You can sleep in your own bed tonight if you can prove you can sit up.”

Grant's chest rose and fell rapidly. The arm moved, dragged over, fell at his side like something dead. He gulped air and made a convulsive move of his whole body, lifting his shoulders barely enough to let the pillow slip before he fell back.

”Close enough,” Justin said.

Food tasted very strange to him. Too strong. Even soggy cereal was work, and made his jaws ache. He ate about half the bowl that Justin spooned into his mouth and made a weak movement of his hand. ” 'Nough.”

Justin looked worried when he set the bowl aside.

”It's a lot for me,” Grant said. Talking was an effort too, but Justin looked so scared. Grant reached put and put his hand on Justin's because that was easier than talking. Justin still looked at him with all h.e.l.l in his eyes. And he wished like h.e.l.l he could take that pain away.

Justin had told him everything last night, poured it on him while he was still groggy and exhausted, because, Justin had said, that's the way they hit me with it, and I guess it hurts less while you're numb.

Grant had cried then. And Justin had cried. And Justin had been so tired and so unwilling to leave him that he had stretched himself out on Grant's bed beside him, still dressed and on top of the covers, and fallen to sleep.

Grant had struggled to throw the bedspread over him, had not had the strength in his arm; so he had rolled over, left the spread with Justin and rolled back again.

And lay there with just the sheet, too cold until Justin woke up midway through the night and got a blanket for him. And hugged him and cried on his shoulder, a long, long time.

”I need you so much,” Justin had said.

Perhaps because he was azi, perhaps because he was human, he did not know-that was the most important thing anyone had ever said to him. He had wept too. He did not know why, except Justin was his life. Justin was everything to him. ”I need you too,” he had said. ”I love you.”

In the dark hours. In the hours before morning. When people could say things that were too real to say by daylight.

Justin had fallen to sleep by his side a second time. Grant had waked first, and lain there a long time, content to know Justin was there. Until Justin had waked and gotten up, apologizing for having slept there.

As if he had not wanted Justin there, all night. As if Justin was not the most important thing in the world to him, who made him feel safe. Who was the one he would do anything for.

Whom he loved, in a way that no woman and nothing he had ever longed for could matter to him.

xiii ”Ari's set is positive,” the voice from the lab informed Giraud Nye, and he drew a long breath of relief. the voice from the lab informed Giraud Nye, and he drew a long breath of relief.

”That's wonderful,” he said. ”That's really wonderful. How are the other two?”

”Both positive. We've got a take on all three in all the tanks.”