Part 51 (1/2)

”Come in, Senator! Thank you for doing me this favor!'

”Madam President, it would be a pleasure to call on you at any time even if you were nOt President.

Perhaps more.”

”Uncle Sam, I don't know what that means but I like it. Now to work! Would it suit you to work for me?”

”You know it would, my dear-but I have a cohst.i.tuency.”

”I don't mean resign and take a job here. But can't you pair votes, or something? I need a lot of help from you right now and more later.”

”Anything the President wants, the President gets. Yes, I can always arrange a pair. . - even when I'm only nominally out of the District.” He looked down at her. ”Trouble?”

”Work I don't know how to handle. I've got to appoint twenty-three judges and I can't put it off much longer. And I don't know how to tell a knucklehead from an Oliver Wendell Holmes. See that tall stack? And that one? Those are the written opinions-or other legal writings if they are not already judges- from the candidates for judges.h.i.+ps. No names on them, and other identifications blacked out. Just identification numbers. I thought I could read this mess and tell which ones had their heads screwed on tight. I can't. I don't understand legalese, I'm not a lawyer.”

”I'm not a lawyer either, bright eyes.'~ ”No, but you're the world's leading semanticist. I figured that, if you couldn't understand something, then it was really nonsense.”

”It's a good approach. If a person of normal intelligence, and a reasonably full education, cannot understand a piece of prose, then it is gibberish. But you shouldn't be doing it; you have a country to worry about. I don't have time, either, but I'll take time; my staff are quite competent to wipe the noses and hold the hands of my const.i.tuents for a while. I'll arrange it.”

”Then you'll do it! Uncle Sam, you're a dear!”

”But I want a bribe.”

”You do? I thought I was supposed to be offered bribes, not have to pay them.”

”I'm eccentric. I take bribes only from pretty little girls I've known a long time.”

”You're eccentric, all right. What is that thing you wear on your head? A cow pat?”

”My dear, you're colorblind. Madam President, I have a proposed amendment to the Const.i.tution I want you to sponsor. . . and by great good luck I just happen to have a copy of it on me.”

”I'll bet you sleep with a copy of it on you. No, just put it on the desk. Now tell me what it is supposed to accomplish.”

”It permits a citizen to challenge the Const.i.tutionality of any law or regulation, Federal or any lesser authority, on the grounds that it is ambivalent, equivocal, or cannot be understood by a person of average intelligence. Paragraph two defines 'average intelligence.' Paragraph three defines and limits the tests that may be used to test the challenged law. The fourth paragraph excludes law students, law school graduates, lawyers, judges, and uncertified j .p.'s from being test subjects. I call it 'the Semantic Amendment.'

”No, you don't; you call it 'the Plain English Amendment.' Show biz, Uncle Sam. Senator, under this amendment could a person challenge the income tax law on the grounds that he has to hire an expert to make out his form 1040?”

”He certainly could. And he would win, too, as no three I.R.S men can get the same answers out of identical data if the picture is at all complex.”

”Hmm- What if he's bright enough but can't read?”

”Paragraph three.”

”How about the Federal Budget? It isn't law in the usual meaning but Congress votes on it and it has the force of law, where it applies.”

”First paragraph. It quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck-it's a duck.”

”I'll try to study this before I fall asleep tonight. Senator, this one we're going to put over!”

”Don't be too certain, Madam President. Lawyers are going to hate this . . . and the Congress and all the state legislatures have a majority of lawyers.”

”And every one of them not anxious to lose his job. That's their weakness . . . because it's awfully easy to work up hate against lawyers. Senator, this bill will be introduced by lawyers. Both Houses. Both parties. Not by you, you're not a lawyer. Uncle Sam, I'm an amateur president but I'm a pro in show biz.

It'll play in Paducah.”