Part 35 (1/2)

Maureen, I said, you've overdone this starvation business; now you are out of your head.

Between the station and the cottage were two incredible little dolls' houses. One was marked Cinderella's House and Mistress Mary Quite Contrary was making the garden grow. The other one needed no sign; the Three Little Pigs, and Big Bad Wolf was stuck in its chimney.

”Kid stuff!” says Junior, and added, ”Hey, Pop, do we eat here? Huh?”

”We just gas up,” answered Daddy. ”Find a pebble to chew on. Your mother has declared a hunger strike.”

Mother did not answer and headed toward the cottage. We went inside, a bell bonged, and a sweet contralto voice boomed, ”Come in! Dinner is ready!”

The inside was twice as big as the outside and was the prettiest dining room imaginable, fresh, new, and clean. Heavenly odors drifted out of the kitchen. The owner of the voice came out and smiled at us.

We knew who she was because her kitchen ap.r.o.n had ”Mrs. Santa Claus” embroidered across it. She made me feel slender, but for her it was perfectly right.

Can you imagine Mrs. Santa Claus being skinny?

”How many are there?” she asked.

”Four,” said Mother, ”but-” Mrs. Santa Claus dis appeared into the kitchen.

Mother sat down at a table and picked up a menu. I did likewise and started to drool-here is why:

Minted Fruit Cup Rouge Pot-au-feu a la Creole Chicken Velvet Soup Roast Veal with Fine Herbs Ham Souffle Yankee Pot Roast Lamb Hawaii Potatoes Lyonnaise Riced Potatoes Sweet Potatoes Maryland Glazed Onions Asparagus Tips with Green Peas Chicory Salad with Roquefort Dressing Artichoke Hearts with Avocado Beets in Aspic Cheese Straws Miniature Cinnamon Rolls Hot Biscuits Sherry Almond Ice Cream Rum Pie Peches Flambees Royales Peppermint Cloud Cake~ Devil's Food Cake Angel Berry Pie Coffee Tea Milk

(Our water is trucked fifteen miles; please help us save it.) Thank you. Mrs. Santa Claus

It made me dizzy, so I looked out the window. We were still spang in the middle of the grimmest desert in the world.

I started counting the calories in that subversive doc.u.ment. I got up to three thousand and lost track, because fruit cups were placed in front of us. I barely tasted mine-and my stomach jumped and started nibbling at my windpipe.

Daddy came in, said, ”Well!” and sat down, too. Junior followed.

Mother said, ”Charles, there is hardly anything here you can touch. I think I had better-” She headed for the kitchen.

Daddy had started reading the menu. He said, ”Wait, Martha! Sit down.” Mother sat.

Presently he said, ”Do I have plenty of clean handkerchiefs?”

Mother said, ”Yes, of course. Why-”

”Good. I feel an attack coming on. I'll start with the pot-au-feu and- Mother said, ”Charles!”

”Peace, woman! The human race has survived upwards of five million years eating anything that could be chewed and swallowed.” Mrs. Santa Claus came back in and Daddy ordered lavishly, every word stabbing my heart. ”Now,” he finished, ”if you will have that carried in by eight Nubian slaves-”

”We'll use a jeep,” Mrs. Santa Claus promised and turned to Mother.

Mother was about to say something about chopped gra.s.s and vitamin soup but Daddy cut in with, ”That was for both of us. The kids will order for themselves.” Mother swallowed and said nothing.

Junior never bothers with menus. ”I'll have a double cannibal sandwich,” he announced.

Mrs. Santa Claus flinched. ”What,” she asked ominously, ”is a cannibal sandwich?”

Junior explained. Mrs. Santa Claus looked at him as if she hoped he would crawl back into the woodwork. At last she said, ”Mrs. Santa Claus always gives people what they want. But you'll have to eat it in the kitchen; other people will be coming in for dinner.”

”Oke,” agreed Junior.

”Now what would you like, honey?” she said to me.

”I'd like everything,” I answered miserably, ”but I'm on a reducing diet.”

She clucked sympathetically. ”Anything special you mustn't eat?”

”Nothing in particular-just food. I mustn't eat food.”

She said, ”You will have a hard time choosing a lowcaloric meal here. I've never been able to work up interest in such cooking. I'll serve you the same as your parents; you can eat what you wish and as little as you wish.”

”All right,” I said weakly.

Honestly, I tried. I counted up to ten between bites, then I found I was counting faster so as to finish each course before the next one arrived.

Presently I knew I was a ruined woman and I didn't care. I was surrounded by a warm fog of calories. Once my conscience peeked over the edge of my plate and I promised to make up for it tomorrow. It went back to sleep.

Junior came out of the kitchen with his face covered by a wedge of pinkstriped cake. ”Is that a cannibal sandwich?” I asked.

”Huh?” he answered. ”You should see what she's got out there. She ought to run a training table.”

A long time later Daddy said, ”Let's. .h.i.t the road. I hate to.”

Mrs. Santa Claus said, ”Stay here if you like. We can accommodate you.”

So we stayed and it was lovely.

I woke up resolved to skip even my twenty-eight calories of tomato juice, but I hadn't reckoned with Mrs. Santa Claus. There were no menus; tiny cups of coffee appeared as you sat down, then other things, decep tively, one at a time. Like this: grapefruit, milk, oatmeal and cream, sausage and eggs and toast and b.u.t.ter and jam, bananas and cream-then when you were sure that they had played themselves out, in came the fluffiest waffle in the world, more b.u.t.ter and strawberry jam and syrup, and then more coffee.

I ate all of it, my personality split hopelessly between despair and ecstasy. We rolled out of there feeling wonderful. ”Breakfast,” said Daddy, ”should be compulsory, like education. I hypothesize that correlation could be found between the modern tendency to skimp breakfast and the increase in juvenile delinquency.

I said nothing. Men are my weakness; food my ruin-but I didn't care.