Part 33 (2/2)

'Christ, Miranda,' he breathed. My heart was banging. 'I suddenly feel rather...strange. This is quite...emotional for me, actually, this little trip down memory lane.' And for me. And for me. He shook his head, and I saw the muscles around his eyes tighten. He turned and looked at me. 'Oh, you look upset too.' He put his hand on mine. 'It's sweet of you, Miranda, but it was sixteen years ago and I've long since got over it. It's just...' he shrugged, '...seeing it again. Actually being here. It's bringing back the memories-that's all. We were quite happy here, until, well...' he heaved a painful sigh. 'Until...that. It was a good place to live. Our neighbours were nice,' he added, suddenly. 'The McNaughts. I wonder whether they still live here.' I felt sick. 'I'd love to see them again. In fact...' No! No! No! Please DON'T! His hand was on the car door. 'I'll just ring the bell. You don't mind, do you?' YES! I DO!!!

'No, of course not,' I heard myself say.

'You can come with me, if you like.'

'No!' David looked at me strangely. 'I mean...no,' I repeated. 'I...don't want to.'

'Why not?'

'Well...because if they don't live there any more, and there are two of us standing on the doorstep, the present owners might feel a bit intimidated.'

David nodded. 'That's true. Okay, you stay here. I'll just knock, and if they are still living there I'll give you a wave and you can come and say hi.'

Please, dear G.o.d-let them be out.

I watched David cross the road, my heart beating like a kettle drum. I saw him look at the front of number forty-four for a moment, then he opened the gate of number forty-six, walked up the short path, and rang the bell. Let them be out. Please, please, let them be out. Then I saw him ring it again. And now a third time. My heart-rate began to subside. Now David was looking at the upstairs window, then he rang once more, turned and came back to the car.

'They're obviously not there.' Thank you, G.o.d. 'Or they're away. Are you okay, Miranda?'

'Of course.'

'You look a bit...agitated.'

I am. 'No, I'm not.'

'Do you want me to drive past your old house? It's not far from here, is it?'

'No. It's in Sandown Road, but I'm not really bothered.'

'Okay then, we won't.'

We went down to the sea front and strolled through The Lanes, then crossed over to the Pier with its gaudy entertainments.

'We used to love this,' David said, as we walked through the amus.e.m.e.nt arcade. 'Michael and I used to hang out here when we were kids. I remember there was a girl I used to meet here. I was crazy about her,' he confided with a laugh. 'She was a French language student, Chantalle. I lost my virginity to her in 1982. And who did you lose yours to?' Jimmy. Jimmy. In March, 1987. 'Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. I've embarra.s.sed you. Ignore that utterly ungentlemanly question.' He took off his linen jacket. 'It's hot, isn't it? Let's walk by the sea for a while.'

We walked eastwards towards the marina, hand in hand, the light breeze blowing our hair. He glanced at his watch. 'It's one. Shall we go for lunch in half an hour? Or are you hungry now?'

Not in the slightest. I'm much too stressed.

'I'm fine,' I replied. We crunched over the s.h.i.+ngle, then, in a fairly quiet part of the beach, I saw an empty bench. 'David,' I said, my pulse racing. 'Can we sit down for a few minutes?'

'Of course we can.' We sat side by side, our thighs touching, our fingers entwined, listening to the shrieks of children, the plaintive squawks of the seagulls as they wheeled overhead, and the rush and suck of the breaking waves. I closed my eyes. In... Out... It sounded like a gigantic inhalation. I synchronized my own breath with it, to steady my nerves.

This is the moment. Now.

'David,' I said. 'There's something I have to tell you.'

I heard him laugh. 'Not this game again. I thought you'd given that up.'

I stared at a bit of dried seaweed by my feet. It was black and brittle.

'It isn't a game. There really is something I have to tell you. Something very serious about myself that I should have told you when we first met.' His features tightened now, as he realized, at long last, that I wasn't joking. 'But the reason why I didn't was because something completely unexpected happened. I fell in love with you. And once that had happened, I found it not just difficult, but almost impossible to tell you. I've been wrestling with it ever since.'

David shook his head in confusion. 'You look so serious, Miranda.'

'It is serious.'

He blinked. 'What is it?' I didn't reply. 'You've got a child?'

'No.' If only it were that simple. I stared down at the s.h.i.+ngle, noticing the navy flints amongst the beige.

'You can't have children? Is that it? Because if so, it doesn't matter. There are other ways...'

I shook my head. 'That's not it either.' If only it were-it would be far easier to say. Behind us an ice-cream van pa.s.sed by with its curiously merry-yet-melancholy jingle.

'You're ill...' David said suddenly. 'Please don't tell me you're ill, Miranda.'

'No. I'm not.'

A look of relief pa.s.sed over his face. 'Then what is it? This serious thing?'

'It's something I did,' I explained quietly. 'When I was young. Something very bad.'

'Oh,' he said flatly. 'I see.' He didn't say anything else for a moment, and we just sat there, aware of the sound of the waves breaking on the beach, then withdrawing with a soft rattle of s.h.i.+ngle. 'Was it drugs?'

'No.' I looked out to sea where a distant motor-boat was throwing up a twin wall of spray.

'You...robbed a bank? Is that it? You committed a crime? You've been in prison?'

'You're warmer now,' I said dismally, my eyes still fixed on the horizon. 'And although, no, I didn't ever go to prison, I could have done, and perhaps I should have done.'

'What do you mean?' I breathed in and then out, emptying the air out of my lungs. 'What do you mean, Miranda? What did you do?'

The moment has come. Here it is.

'I hurt someone,' I whispered. My heart was banging.

'You hurt someone? G.o.d. Who?'

'Well. This is the awful thing-'

'David?' we suddenly heard. 'David White?' David looked up, stared, and then suddenly began to smile in surprised recognition.

'I don't believe it!' he exclaimed softly. 'Mr McNaught. And Mrs McNaught. h.e.l.lo.'

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