Part 26 (1/2)

'As ready as I'll ever be. I'll go armed with some flowers, and I'll just talk to her, Miranda. I haven't talked to her properly for years. Have you got any tips?'

'Yes. Take an extravagant interest in the llamas. Just tell her how beautiful, sensitive and intelligent they are, etcetera, etcetera, and she'll be eating out of your hand.'

On Thursday morning I braced myself for a furious phone call from my mother-but, to my surprise, I didn't hear a thing. Then I had a couple of appointments to go to and didn't get back until five. I thought she might have left an angry message on my answerphone, but there was nothing. There was still no message when I left for London F.M. I tried calling Dad from the taxi, but his phone was switched off. Maybe he'd actually survived the whole day. Or maybe Mum had murdered him and was busy disposing of the body.

'Thanks for coming in,' said the producer, Wesley, when he met me at reception at a quarter to seven. 'The show's an hour long,' he explained as he signed me in. 'And we'll be filtering the calls, which we'd like to be a mixture of behavioural problems, plus any pet stories which the listeners want to share. We'd like to keep it informative but light-hearted,' he added as he called the lift.

'I'll do my best.'

In the studio, the presenter, Minty Malone, greeted me warmly, then I put on my headphones, the studio manager took level, and at three minutes past seven, the phone-in began.

'Now...' said Minty as she leaned into the microphone. 'Is your borzoi unbalanced? Is your iguana introverted? Are your tropical fish psychologically fragile? If so, then do call us this evening, because our subject tonight is pets-and their peculiarities. And our special guest is animal behaviourist, Miranda Sweet, from TV's Animal Crackers. Miranda, a warm welcome to the show.'

Minty spent a couple of minutes chatting to me, then she took the first question.

'On Line One is Pam from Penge, and Pam wants to know why her cat sleeps so much.'

'That's right,' said Pam. 'It does-it sleeps all the time. And it's only five, so it's not old age. What I want to know is, has it got urban stress-or is it being a lazy little git?'

'Neither,' I replied. 'It's simply behaving like the predator it is. The reason cats-like lions-sleep so much-up to sixteen hours a day, is because they're conserving energy in order to have maximum strength for the hunt.'

'Oh, right,' said Pam. 'I won't worry then. Thanks.'

'Thanks for calling in, Pam,' said Minty. 'And now we have Patrick, who's got a question about his sheepdog, Murphy, who's car crazy. Will you tell us what he does, Patrick?'

'Well, he's a super dog, but he's very excitable,' Patrick replied. 'He really is. Very excitable. Very excitable.' Patrick sounded pretty excitable himself. 'He likes to sit in the back with his head right out the window.'

'That's not a good idea,' I interrupted. 'I wouldn't let him do that.'

'But the really annoying thing is the way he keeps saying, ”Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” All the way. It drives me round the b.l.o.o.d.y twist, I can tell you.' Minty was making circling gestures by her temple.

'Well...that...would be annoying,' I said.

'And now we have Mrs Edith Witherspoon on Line Three, who's concerned about her bulldog, Archie.'

'Oh, that's right,' said Mrs Witherspoon. 'I really am most concerned. He behaves in a very...' she hesitated. 'Unsavoury way.' Minty's eyes had widened but I knew what was coming.

'So what exactly is the problem?' I said.

'Well...he's fine when I'm on my own. But if I have my friends round for tea-or it's my turn to host the Women's Inst.i.tute-he behaves so badly. I put him out, but then he barks to be let in. So I relent. But if I then ignore him and dare to talk to my friends he...he...oh dear... I can hardly bear to tell you.'

'Is it inappropriate mounting, Mrs Witherspoon?'

'Oh no, no. It's worse.'

'Does he drag his bottom along the carpet? Is that it?'

'No, no, no. It's, just that, he, well, he...' By now her voice was a barely audible whisper.

'Yes...?'

'Plays with himself.'

'Oh dear.'

'He's fine if I pay him attention,' she went on. 'If I have him on my lap, feeding him bits of cake, telling him how gorgeous he is, then he behaves. But if I start chatting to my friends, then he backs himself into a corner and starts...'

'I can imagine,' I interjected. 'How disgusting. It's attention-seeking of the very worst kind. No wonder you want to put a stop to it-it must be extremely embarra.s.sing for you, Mrs Witherspoon.'

'Oh, that's not my main concern.'

'Isn't it?'

'No.'

'Then what is?'

'Well-I'm worried that he'll go blind!'

There were calls about kleptomaniac ferrets, and love-sick lizards. There was a Labrador which hogged the TV.

'Every time we put it on, she sits bang in front of it, her nose glued to the screen,' said Kevin on Line Two. 'She's doing it right now...' In the background we could hear the theme tune of Eastenders, and shouts of 'Get out of the way, Goldie! Move, will you! Move!!!' '... No one can see a thing.'

'Then I suggest you simply put the TV somewhere higher up so that you can all watch in comfort. Maybe you could mount it on a wall bracket.'

'Oh right,' he said. 'That's a good idea.' He laughed. 'I hadn't actually thought of that. Yeah, we'll give it a try.'

'Do you know much about mynah birds, Miranda?' Minty asked. 'Because on Line Three we have our former agony aunt, Rose Costelloe.' Oh. Rose Costelloe. I'd heard of her. 'Rose has a major problem with her mynah-isn't that right, Rose?'

'It is. You see, I've got five-month-old twins, and they cry a lot at the moment. But that's not the problem. The problem is that my mynah bird, Rudolph, has learned to imitate them.'

'How ghastly,' I said.

'It is-but the real killer is that he only ever does it when they're asleep.'

'You must be exhausted,' said Minty with a sympathetic giggle.

'I am. If it isn't the babies screaming the house down, it's Rudy. So I just wondered if Miranda might have any ideas?'

'Gosh, this is a difficult one. Perhaps you could play him lullabies all day, and maybe he'll learn to imitate those instead.'

'Okay, I'll give it a try.'

Then people began phoning in with stories about the funny things their pets do.

'-My Siamese can do handstands.'

'-My rabbit can do back-flips.'

'-My c.o.c.katiel adores Pica.s.so.'