Part 15 (1/2)

'...in all the towns in all the world. I know, Mum. Never mind. Anyway, my puppies are arriving. Sorry. Can't chat.' There's only so much father-bas.h.i.+ng I can take.

Soon, Sooty the sheepdog was trying to herd all the other puppies; Alfie and Roxy were looking for things to retrieve; Gwyneth Paltrow was looking at her reflection in the water bowl; and Twiglet was jumping off chairs.

'He's absolutely fearless,' said Phyllis to Marcus, admiringly. She seemed to have taken a s.h.i.+ne to him. 'He obviously takes after you. I must just ask you,' she added, 'because I'm so fascinated by what you do-what's the most frightening thing you've ever done?'

'Well...' I looked at him-he must get asked that so often.

'Jumping off a tall building?' she suggested sweetly.

'Not really-so long as it's not more than twenty storeys high.'

'Being set on fire from head to foot?'

He shook his head. 'You wear a flame-proof suit.'

'Riding a motorbike across a yawning chasm?' she enquired eagerly.

'That's okay. You just have to get the revs right.'

'Swimming in a tank full of piranhas. Naked.'

He shrugged. 'It's fine as long as they've had lunch.'

'What is it, then? The scariest, most frightful, horrifying thing you've ever done in your entire life?' Her pale blue eyes were s.h.i.+mmering with antic.i.p.ation.

'Well,' he said. 'You know those big black spiders you get in the bath?' He gave an involuntary shudder. 'I once put one of those outside.'

'You're teasing me,' she giggled, clapping her hand to her mouth.

'No, it's true. I really did. If you don't believe me, you can ring up my ex.'

'Okay, everyone,' I said after I'd done the roll call. 'Welcome again, and let's play Pa.s.s the Puppy.'

'I can't help feeling we should be doing this to music,' said Lily as she pa.s.sed Gwyneth, yapping, to her left.

'-I say, Alfie's grown.'

'-I think Cosmo's second teeth are coming through.'

'-Bentley's widdled on me!'

'-He doesn't usually do that.'

'-Where's the kitchen roll?'

We discussed the importance of identi-chipping and p.o.o.p-scooping, then, finally, we had problem-sharing again.

'And how are things going with Lola, Sue?' I asked her.

'Oh, it's getting much better,' she said. 'I mean, I have my good days and my bad days...' Everyone nodded sympathetically. 'But I don't feel nearly as stressed.'

'You've got to get them in a routine,' said Phyllis, bouncing Maisie on her lap. 'That's the key to it.'

'That's right,' everyone murmured as they cradled their puppies. 'You've got to get them in a routine.'

'Okay, so, see you all next week then,' I said.

'Must dash,' said Marcus, as he waved at everyone. He tucked Twiglet into his jumper. 'Twiggers and I have got a hot date.'

'Oh that sounds exciting,' said Phyllis. 'New girlfriend?' Marcus nodded. 'Oh good.' He opened his wallet and showed her a snap. I didn't want to appear nosey, so I didn't look, though I was curious.

'What do you think?' I heard him say.

'Well, she's very pretty,' said Phyllis approvingly.

'She is. She's gorgeous. She's a jewellery designer,' he explained as he put the photo back. 'Gla.s.s necklaces. They're made out of tiny little beads. She strings them herself,' he added proudly.

'Really?'

'She's very successful. She sells them in Liberty's.'

'I say. And how did you meet her?'

'In the chemist's by Chalk Farm tube. She was waiting for a prescription and I was buying some Strepsils and we got chatting.'

'How romantic.'

'It was. Because it wasn't actually my local chemist, as I live in Camden. But I'd just dropped in there because I had a bit of a scratchy throat-and there she was. This vision.'

'That's a lovely story,' Phyllis said. 'Anyway, we mustn't keep you, Marcus. Maisie, say bye-bye to Twiglet.' Maisie emitted a cross between a squeak and a yap. Marcus left, then Lily came up to me.

'I had no idea you'd been engaged to Alexander Darke,' she whispered, her large brown eyes goggling. I nodded. 'That's absolutely brilliant,' she said. I looked at her blankly. 'I mean, for the piece. It's fantastic copy.'

'Oh. Good,' I said dismally.

'And how was the great D.J.?'

'He was...fine.'

'He can be notoriously tricky-the snappy snapper. Was he like that with you?'

'A bit.'

'I've met him a couple of times, but I found him so uncommunicative. You'd get more conversation out of a corpse. I think it's something to do with what happened to him,' she went on confidentially. 'I'm sure you must have noticed his hands.'

'I, no, not really, I...'

'The poor darling had this dreadful experience. Years ago, his father was sent a letter-bomb by the animal rights crazies-not that I disagree with them on every issue-but anyway, D.J. opened it instead and Boom!'. Her eyes had opened as wide as windows. 'Hence those awful scars. They say he's never been the same.' I felt sick. 'Well, you wouldn't be, would you?' I wished she'd shut up. 'They say that's why his marriage didn't last.' I looked at her. 'He was married to this Polish model.'

'Really?'