Part 1 (1/2)

Diaries of Franz Kafka 1911

Part 1

3 January ”You,” I said, and then gave hiood-bye” At this sudden utterance some saliva flew from mythat for a long time,” he said, stepped away from the wall and stretched

”No, I haven't been considering it at all”

”Then what have you been thinking about?”

”For the last ti myself a little more for the coe e for one of those ait together by the hundreds in railway stations for particular trains”

4 January Glaube und Heiers of the balconyites beneath me ipe their eyes

6 January ”You,” I said, aioing If you want to see it too, open your eyes”

”Really, then?” he asked, at the salance that nevertheless was so weak that I could have fended it off with a wave of , then? What shall I do? I cannot keep you And if I could, I still wouldn't want to By which I si that you could still be held back by me” And immediately he assumed that inferior servants' face by ulated state to make the children of their masters obedient or afraid

7 January N's sister who is so in love with her fiance that she maneuvers to speak with each visitor individually, since one can better express and repeat one's love to a single person

As though by ic, since neither external nor internal circumstances-which are now more friendly than they have been for a year-preventedthe entire holiday, it is a Sunday -Several new perceptions of the unfortunate creature that I aly

12 January I haven't written down a great deal aboutthese days, partly because of laziness (I now sleep so ht while I sleep) but also partly because of the fear of betraying my self-perception This fear is justified, for one should permit a self-perception to be established definitively in writing only when it can be done with the greatest completeness, with all the incidental consequences, as well as with entire truthfulness For if this does not happen-and in any event I am not capable of it-then what is written doill, in accordance with its own purpose and with the superior power of the established, replace what has been felt only vaguely in such a way that the real feeling will disappear while the worthlessness of what has been noted doill be recognized too late

A few days ago Leonie Frippon, cabaret girl, Stadt Wien Hair dressed in a bound-up irdle, very old dress, but very pretty with tragic gestures, flutterings of the eyelids, thrusts of the long legs, skillful stretching of the ar a: button Collection in the Louvre

Schiller, as drawn by Schadow in 1804 in Berlin, where he had been greatly honored One cannot grasp a face more firmly than by this nose The partition of the nose is a little pulled down as a result of the habit of pulling on his nose while working A friendly, somewhat hollow-cheeked person whom the shaven face has probably made senile

14 January Novel, Eheleute (Married People), by Beradt A lot of bad Jewishness A sudden, monotonous, coy appearance of the author; for instance: All were gay, but one was present as not gay Or: Here comes a Mr Stern (e already know to the marrow of his novelistic bones) In Ha like this, but there it is as natural as the knots in wood, here, however, it drips into the plot like a fashi+onableto interain busy Individual characters, without being shown in a new light, are brought out well, so well that even faults here and there do not matter Minor characters mostly wretched

17 January Max readof the Young People) How can I, as I am today, come up to this? I should have to look for a year before I found a true ereat a work, in soht to re, plagued by the passing flatulence of a digestion which is bad in spite of everything

19 January Every day, since I see the last year I did not wake up for more than five minutes at a time-I shall either have to wishable to see even the most moderate hope in it, I shall have to start afresh like a baby Externally, this will be easier for me than before For in those days I still strove with hardly a suspicion after a description in which every ould be linked to my life, which I would draw to my heart, and which would transport me out of myself With what an! What a chill pursued er was and how uninterruptedly it worked, that I did not feel that chill at all, which indeed on the whole did not lessen my misfortune very much

Once I projected a novel in which two brothers fought each other, one of ent to America while the other rean to write a few lines, for it tiredabout randparents and had eaten an especially soft kind of bread, spread with butter, that was customary there It is of course possible that I did itthe paper about on the tablecloth, tapping witharound under the lamp, wanted to tempt someone to take what I had written from me, look at it, and admire me It was chiefly the corridor of the prison that was described in the few lines, above all its silence and coldness; a sympathetic as also said about the brother as left behind, because he was the good brother Perhaps I had aof the worthlessness of my description, but before that afternoon I never paidrelatives to whoreat that the accustoh to make me halfway happy), I sat at the round table in the fa and called to great things out of this present tranquillity An uncle who liked toonly weakly, looked at it briefly, handed it back to , and only said to the others ere following hi To be sure, I ree of mine, but with one thrust I had in fact been banished froment of my uncle repeated itself in nificance and even within the feeling of belonging to a faht into the cold space of our world which I had to ith a fire that first I wanted to seek out

19 February When I wanted to get out of bed thisI simply folded up This has a very simple cause, I am completely overworked Not by the office but my other work The office has an innocent share in it only to the extent that, if I did not have to go there, I could live calmly for my oork and should not have to waste these six hours a day which have torine, especially on Friday and Saturday, because I was full of s In the final analysis, I know, that is just talk, the fault is ht to make the most definite and justified demands on me But for me in particular it is a horrible double life from which there is probably no escape but insanity I write this in the good light of theand would certainly not write it if it were not so true and if I did not love you like a son

For the rest, I shall certainly be ain by to I hear will be that you want to have me out of your department

The special nature of my inspiration in which I, the o to sleep at 2 aht of it, it will remain, for it is loftier than all before), is such that I can do everything, and not only what is directed to a definite piece of work When I arbitrarily write a single sentence, for instance, ”He looked out of the ,” it already has perfection

”Will you stay here for a long time?” I asked At my sudden utterance some saliva dew from my mouth as an evil omen”Does it disturb you? If it disturbs you or perhaps keeps you froo away at once, but otherwise I should still like to reht to be satisfied too, and to become continually more satisfied the better I knew him For he continually knew me even better, apparently, and could certainly stick me, with all my perceptions, in his pocket For how otherwise could it be explained that I still reh no house but rather a fire were before me When one is invited into society, one simply steps into the house, clirossed is one in thought

Only so does one act correctly towards oneself and towards society

20 February Mella Mars in the Cabaret Lucerna A witty tragedienne who, so to speak, appears on a stage turned wrong side out in the way tragediennes sometimes show themselves behind the scenes When she makes her appearance she has a tired, indeed even flat, empty, old face, which constitutes for all fa She speaks very sharply, herwith the thumb bent backwards, which instead of bone seeeability of her nose through the shi+fting highlights and hollows of the playingof her movements and words she makes her points delicately

Small cities also have s, clean, well-dressed youths near me on the promenade re impression on meKleist's early letters, twenty-two years old Gives up soldiering They ask hi, for that was so they considered a matter of course You have a choice of jurisprudence or political economy But then do you have connections at court? ”I denied it at first in some embarrassment, but then declared so much the more proudly that I, even if I had connections, should be ashamed, with my present ideas, to count on them They smiled, I felt that I had been too hasty Onesuch truths”

21 February My life here is just as if I were quite certain of a second life, in the saot over the pain of ht that I would try to go there again very soon With this, the sight of the sharply divided light and shadows on the paveth of a moment I fell myself clad in steelHow far from me are-for exaic feeling bred in the audience by the es, detracts froue, while Delvard, behind a curtain that she doesn't know is translucent, fixes her hair At poorly attended performances, W, the producer, seems to wear his assyrian beard-which is otherwise deep black-streaked with gray Good to have oneself blown upon by such a te Much display of costuest, so that one can count the wealth from a distance-Because they want to save an accompanist, Delvard does the accoreen dress, and freezes-Parisian street cries Newsboys are omitted- Someone speaks to me; before I draw a breath I have been dismissed-Delvard is ridiculous, she has the smile of an old maid, an old maid of the German cabaret With a red shawl that she fetches from behind the curtain, she plays revolution Poeh, unbreakable voice She was char only at the start, when she sat in a fenolles” I felt Paris in nolles is supposed to live on its annuities, even its Apaches Bruant wrote a song for every section of the cityTHE URBAN WORLDOscar M, an older student-if one looked at hihtened by his eyes-stopped short in the middle of a snowstorm on an empty square one winter afternoon, in his winter clothes with his winter coat, over it a shawl around his neck and a fur cap on his head His eyes blinked reflectively He was so lost in thought that once he took off his cap and stroked his face with its curly fur Finally he see movement on to his ho room he saw his father, a smooth-shaventhe door”At last,” said the latter, when Oscar had barely set foot in the room ”Please stay by the door, I aht do””But father,” said Oscar, and beca”Silence,” shouted the father and stood up, blocking a”Silence, I say And keep your 'buts' to yourself, do you understand?” At the same time he took the table in both hands and carried it a step nearer to Oscar ”I si existence any longer I'e, instead you are worse than all h laziness, extravagance, wickedness, and-why shouldn't I say so to your face-stupidity, drives his old father to his grave!” Here the father fell silent, but ”Dear Father,” said Oscar, and cautiously approached the table, ”calht Today I have had an idea that will make an industrious person out of me, beyond all your expectations””How is that?” the father asked, and gazed towards a corner of the roo to you at supper Inwardly I was always a good son, but the fact that I could not show it outwardly embittered me so, that I preferred to vex you if I couldn't o for another short walk so thatattentive at first, had sat down on the edge of the table, stood up ”I do not believe that what you just said makes much sense, I consider it only idle talk But after all you are my son Come back early, ill have supper at home and you can tell h for rateful to you from my heart for it But isn't it evident in my very appearance that I am completely occupied with a serious ,” said the father ”But that could beat you at all” With this, as was his custoularly tapping on the surface of the table ”The chief thing, however, is that I no longer have any confidence at all in you, Oscar If I sometimes yell at you-when you came in I really did yell at you, didn't I?-then I do it not in the hope that it will iood mother who perhaps doesn't yet feel any i to pieces under the strain of keeping off such sorrow for she thinks she can help you in sos which you know very well, and out of consideration for ain if you had not provokedthese last words the maid entered to look after the fire in the stove She had barely left the room when Oscar cried out, ”But Father! I would never have expected that If in the past I had had only one little idea, an idea forin my trunk now for ten years and needs ideas like salt, then it is possible, even if not probable, that, as happened today, I would have coood fortune I have such-and-such an idea' If with your venerable voice you had then thrown into my face the reproaches you did, my idea would simply have been bloay and I should have had to y or without one Now just the contrary! Everything you say against er, they filltheulped his breath in the warm room”It may be only a piece of rascality that you have in your head,” said the father with his eyes opened wide in surprise ”In that case I aot hold of you But if soood has lost its way into you, it will ht I know you”Oscar turned his head as though someone had hi me more than is necessary The bare possibility that you can correctly predict my end should really not induce you to disturb ht to do so, but you should not reat your uncertaintyforces me,” said Oscar, and his neck twitched He also stepped up very close to the table so that one could no longer tell to whoed ”What I said, I said with respect and even out of love for you, as you will see later, too, for consideration for you and Mareatest part in ht now,” the father said, ”as it is indeed very improbable that your mother and I will still be capable of it when the time comes””Please, Father, just let tomorrow sleep on as it deserves If you awaken it before its time, then you will have a sleepy day But that your son must say this to you!

Besides, I really didn't intend to convince you yet, but only to break the news to you And in that, at least, as you yourself must adtolike this business of today It corresponds so ith your character up to now No, really, I a serious””Yes, wouldn't you have thrashedto ive you a little pleasure But I can't tell you a thing as long as ood intentions and deht still injure the execution ofBut I have to answer you very quickly because you are retreating towards the door and apparently have soer with your trick, but now I a you-if you insist, I can even foldto your mother of your ideas Be satisfied withto me,” cried Oscar, who already had his ar has happened to you since noon, or I'er now for the first time in my father's room My real father”-Oscar was silent for a moment with his mouth open-”he would certainly have had to e with you, Father?””Then you ought to have supper with your real father, I think It would be more fun””He will come, you can be sure of that In the end he can't stay away Andto fetch All” Thereupon Oscar pressed his shoulder against the door-it opened easily-as though he were trying to break it downHaving arrived in Franz's hoineer is asleep, I know, it doesn'tabout the woman, who because she was displeased by the visit walked ailass door-it quivered under his hand as though it had been touched in a sensitive spot-and called, paying no heed to the interior of the rooet up I need your expert advice

But I can't stand it here in the rooo for a lithe walk, you must also have supper with us Quick, then””Gladly,” said the engineer froo for a walk, give advice? And soht””Most i, I forgot that””I'll do you that favor at once But to get up! I would rather have supper for you twice than get up once””Get up now! No argurabbed the weak man by the front of his coat and sat him up”You're mad, you know With all due respect Have I ever pulled you off a sofa like that?” He wiped his closed eyes with his two little fingers”But Franz,” said Oscar with a grimace ”Get dressed now After all, I'm not a fool, to have waked you without a reason””Just as I wasn't sleeping without a reason, either Yesterday I worked the night shi+ft, after that I'm done out of my afternoon nap, also because of you””Why?””Oh, well, it annoys me how little consideration you have for me It isn't the first time Naturally, you are a free student and can do whatever you want Not everyone is so fortunate So you really must have some consideration, damn it! Of course, I'm your friend, but they haven't taken my profession away yet because of that” This he indicated by shaking his hands up and down, pal don't I have to believe that you've had more than your fill of sleep?” said Oscar, who had drawn hiineer as though he now had somewhat more time than before”Well, what is it you really want of ineer asked, and rubbed his neck hard under his goatee in that more intimate relationshi+p which one has to one's body after sleep”What I want of you,” said Oscar softly, and gave the bed a kick with the heel of his foot ”Very little I already told you what I hile I was still in the anterooet dressed””If you want to point out by that, Oscar, that your news interests ht””All the better Then the interest my neill kindle in you will burn entirely on its own account, without our friendshi+p adding to it The information will be clearer too I need clear infor for your collar and tie, they are lying there on the chair””Thanks,” said the engineer, and started to fasten his collar and tie ”A person can really depend on you after all”