Part 113 (2/2)

”It doesn't matter about the stores,” I assured him My words were snatched up by the wind

He turned his head to ht I was prepared to lose shi+ps in the escape But actually seeing itthat proved quite different I feel wounded, although I am not” He paused ”I fear I can lead no more”

What nonsense was this? He had expected to lose shi+ps

”But we have ed to escape with our treasure, ourselves, and a third of our shi+ps,” I told him ”Will not Octavian curse when he realizes it? Think of what you have snatched away right under his nose You were blockaded, and you slipped aith the prize”

”My reputation” His voice trailed off ”My reputation is gone My credibility as a leader of Romans has collapsed”

”This is absurd!” I said ”You have cheated Octavian of the very prey in his nets”

”I can't expect you to understand!” he snapped ”What I mean is--it is your nature to always see victory in the face of defeat I don't think you even knohat defeat is But is that bravery or naivete?” He turned away and disappeared in the darkness, leaving lowthe site of the battle was still visible

Chapter 77

The wind and sea bore us onward, past the luxuriant island of Zacynthus, where of late Sosius had had his command; the dawn showed the peaks of her mountains a tender pink

Antony had not coular land rooe shi+p indeed Where had he passed the night? I was alht to , like a statue, at the forefront of the shi+p He had spent the hours of darkness there, and showed no inclination to o to hi him back here, let him lie down and restore himself”

I knew that would not do Antony, that most public of men, had chosen to be alone, and I must not trespass on it But I did steal to the bow of the shi+p, where I saw hied, his hands on his knees, his head lifted and staring out to sea In his solitude, he looked stony and bereaved It was all I could do not to rush over to hi hi-woman in the palace once whose son was killed by crocodiles when bathing in the Nile, and she had worn a ed that even when she smiled, it was no smile Now Antony had that look

But he had known the probable outcoically, arguing that ould salvage e could from a near-hopeless situation The truth was that Actiuo

All this was no reflection on Antony or his generalshi+p How could it be, when no battle was fought on land? He had suffered defeats and reversals before Who had not, save Alexander? The i was not the defeat, but what he did afterward

You've only seen him win You don't know a man until you see him lose He must not take this as final There was still Canidius with his arypt, there was stillHe must not take this as final There was still Canidius with his arypt, there was still

I watched as a big wave sent cold salt spray into his face and he sat, unflinching, aled and relished it

I could not stopoff his chilled face ”Stand up, and be a man!” My words sounded harsher than Ihier be called a man,” he said ”I have dishonored the naenerals men? No, a man is anyone who bears on his shoulders whatever fate is pleased to lay there, and holds his head up all the while”

”A lot of pretty words from someone who has never tasted defeat,” he said Still he refused to get up

”When I was exiled from my throne, that was no defeat?” I answered How easy it is to forget the tribulations others have endured! We always think we are the only ones ”When Caesar was murdered, and his son unprovided for, and Octavian named his heir, that was no defeat? When you youour children bastards, that was no defeat? The entire worldour children bastards, that was no defeat? The entire world mocked me”

”You never lost hundreds--no, thousands thousands--of , dead because they trusted you, followed you, and paid everything for it, and there was no way you could ever undo it!” he yelled ”Dead, dead, all dead, at the botto in Parthia, and--”

”So now it's all of theo, and a different war War kills people If you didn't want to take responsibility for that, then you shouldn't have becoht into his ear His face was still turned resolutely away

”They're all dead!” he cried ”Dead, dead, lost” Now he put his hands up to his face and wept

What if sorace!

”Hush, stop it!” I said, shaking his shoulders to jolt him out of it He should at least wait until he was shut away in privacy At this very instant, deckhands could see him

But he wouldn't stop, and instead sat hunched over and weeping loudly Like a child! ”Ihavelosteverythinglost my way” He forced the words out between sobs

”You have lost nothing that you cannot recover,” I told him stoutly

”My reputationrant the first, I rant myself the second, and II cannot”

”Yes, you will,” I assured hione forever Lost in the water I aeneral, even a soldier”

The buoyant Antony, his quick glad spirits drained awayforever? Why is it that one thing will destroy us when other--and equally hard--blows do not? Perhaps we can only absorb so many, and Parthia had been his liht have been true in a way I had not known

”No,” I said, cradling his head, for the first tio on You h Else Hercules was not truly your ancestor!” I tried to appeal to his old self; he had always prided hihmoment

”Hercules would disown me,” he said ”Hercules would be asha arc of sea spray onto us It dripped off Antony's hair but did nothing to interrupt his weeping

”He would not be asha afterward” Surely he could understand that?

You don't know a man until you see hione doith my shi+p At least then my men would not feel their commander deserted them” I could barely make out his words

”You didn't desert the a battle desertion? Some alk off a battlefield and others won't That is not the saation to die That That would please the enemy” would please the enely, ” 'And this shall be for your glory! That you can tell your sons you ith Antony at Actium' Oh, the sha hier could

”Go away!” he said, shoving ainst the coiled ropes on deck ”Leavesomeone to watch him carefully from behind, and stop him if he tried to leap overboard or stab himself in his despair

I was shocked; I could not believe he had come to this

It took three days to sail around the Peloponnese and reach Cape Taenarum, where there was a small harbor and roadstead The entire ti atonement to his lost eneral, overwhelmed by his losses But e sailed into the harbor, he left his post, went below and cleaned hirief had subsided, and noas time for the funeral He must attend the obsequies, and comport himself bravely