Part 49 (2/2)
When I left Italy, ers were still en route, overland, to notify Octavian What he would do was anyone's guess But what could he do, really? He was still a schoolboy in Apollonia, and Caesar's offices were not hereditary Lawyers could see to the estate There would be little purpose in his returning to Ro to assume a seat in the Senate, and he had no military skills, so could not take coht His political future looked bleak
At least he would be rich Caesar had left hi a wealthy private citizen, I thought But I knew he had loved Caesar and would grieve for him
And Antony--what had happened to Antony? He was atte to step into Caesar's shoes and take command of the state, steady it, and then unseat the assassins froe But what had actually happened?
What difference does it make to you now? I told myself You are finished with Rome It died for you with Caesar Had Caesarion been named in his will, then ould still be a part of it But he did not, and we are not No more Senate, no more Cicero, no one, over, done with
I felt iain in the city that Caesar had loved, and which had betrayed and ly unable to regain any strength My distaste for food, rip The captain andcouch for me on deck, in hopes that the fresh sea air would help iant canopy, it was all an invalid could wish for The spray of the passing sea danced around htly, while I reclined listlessly
”We are passing between Crete and Cyrene now,” the captain told me ”We have passed the halfway mark on our journey”
Cyrene Where the roses, and the fast horses, caht, as I hed when Charmian opened the tinyto ads over me
”I am weary of this illness, whatever itly guilty in turning it away, day after day I was very thin, and my mirror revealed a face with cheekbones that stood out as never before, and oddly pink-tinted, translucent skin
” 'Whatever it h what it is, my lady”
I just stared at her What did she norant of it? Leprosy? So of the faculties that is obvious to everyone except the victim? ”Do you mean I have a disease--an identifiable disease?” I tried to keepI had some fatal malady did I come to realize how much I wanted to live after all
”Yes, a very co, and I don't knohy you have kept it up so long Making me take care of you, make special dishes for you--really, it's been tiresome”
”I don't knohat you mean”
”Please, stop it! Why do you pretend you don't know?” ”What?”
”Stop this game! You know very well you are with child!”
I just stared at her They were the last words I had ever expected to hear out of her lips ”Why--do you say that?”
”Because it's obvious! You have all the symptoms of it--and remember, I can see your face, and you cannot Your face looks like it did the first tihter How ironic, how cruel! The Gods wereCaesar and me both Was it true? Yes, in an instant I realized it was I bent down my head and wept
Charmian knelt beside me, stroked my hair ”I am sorry, I did not mean to be harsh It never occurred to me that you hadn't considered it--but then, your mind has had such a shock that you have been disoriented And you have lost all sense of tiive me!”
Great sobs burst from me How could new life survive all that death? It seemed obscene, unnatural
If only, if onlyit had happened in the course of things while ere in Ro would have been All Rome would have seen it was his Now even he would never see it
Onward the shi+p ploughed, cutting a great white wake behind it The sails filled, bearing us eastward, straining the rip of the waters near Italy, the shi+p seerown more buoyant, as if the stern hand of Rorasping everything that swa the like bubbles bursting forth fros--that hat I sought, what I needed now Let htforward people, let me have unembellished dishes, let me have constellations in the sky that I already knew--stars that were old friends, standing in their accustomed places, so I knehere to find them
After her outburst to me, Char me more than ever But I assured her it was not necessary; I had taken no offense, since what she had said was true I was sorry that I had been such a difficultlike a stranded jellyfish on my bed
I made an effort to avoid that fronancy was very different froetic I had felt then--dashi+ng out to watch the fighting in the Alexandrian War, providing space and refuge for the hts with Caesar In all the tumult of the war, my condition had passed almost unnoticed
The warthanks to that war, I had an Alexandria to return to It had been secured for reat cost; I must not let that cost be in vain
The captain predicted that ould arrive the following day, as he stood by ht on the deck Waves sounded all around us, but were hard to see Only the stars illuhthouse
”We are still too far out to sea,” the captain said ”And frohthouse lamp looks like another star But by dawn you should be able to glie,” I said ”I thank you for bringing us safely across the open water”
”Open water has its own dangers, but co into Alexandria is always tricky, with the reefs and island That little narrow channel between the Pharos and the breakwater is difficult to steer past, especially when the prevailing north winds are strong I don't have much room for error”
Yes, but death could also occur on a flat sea, in a calreenish blue Water was unpredictable ”I have faith in you,” I assured hi for e fro pale and white like a hthouse looked like a te
Home! I had returned! My city awaited me!
Enormous crowds lined the shores of the eastern, palace harbor; the captain had flown the royal banner as we approached, and people cained the city soit noas no shock It was the people ere unfamiliar They were subtly different froas? More bright colors? More skin colors and languages?
We descended the gangplank to tumultuous cries of welcome--less thunderous than the shouts at Caesar's Triuh from a crowd that was tiny by comparison Sweetest of all are the shouts for oneself--I had not had any of my own for two years now
”I return to Alexandria with joy!” I cried, holdingIsis for my safe return 4 4And to you, otten what they sounded like The shouts for Caesar were not the sarounds beckoned--delicate white teardens with sapphire-blue flowers bordering the long water channels The grass was long but still pale, early green
How had I left it all for so long? Here was paradise
”Iras! Mardian! Oly on the palace steps, my dearest ministers One by one they descended, knelt, and then rose
”At last!” said Mardian ”You cannot kno I have longed for your return”
”What he overne--sorely rows as round-shouldered as any scholar in the Museion froo to the Gymnasion and build them up,” I said ”I don't intend to let you put the burden down entirely”
I had learned that lesson fro was too difficult to'be carried by one person alone I was fortunate that, unlike him, I had ministers I could trust
”Your Majesty,” said Iras, her face shi+ning with a s two years”
Her formality was in such contrast to Char with me to Rome, Charmian would forever be closer to e with me, and noould be the only one to share any memories of it