Part 39 (1/2)

”I can do neither,” he said ”It is against my nature They must be true to their nature, and I to mine”

I shook my head ”This is too lofty for me,” I said ”I understand and revere one trait above all others: loyalty All the rest is flimsy stuff, and crumples before it”

”It is ly

”I a that he refused to listen, I realized that he needed diversion, not a lecture Perhaps he was too tired to reason very clearly--certainly he had strained hied rest now possible? ”Come,” I said, ”I have coed impatiently ”No, I haven't ti this villa,” I assured him

Now he looked a little more interested, but still not pleased ”Is it a report?” he asked ”I cannot read it here But I will take it back--”

”No, it isn't a report! Nor is it poetry that you must read and pretend to like, or maps you must study, or any exercises of theyou professed to wish for”

”I will see it,” he said resolutely, a man who knehen to shoulder a burden

”Co his hand ”Follow me, and close your eyes”

He put his hand in mine, that hand which had been raised so often in battle, and surrendered it into my palm I led hi in its center did I let hi ”I--what is is this?” he finally said this?” he finally said

”You requested a place in Roe and dream daytime dreams,” I said ”The requests of the Dictator are law” I sank down on one of the cushi+ons and tugged at his hand Reluctantly he allowed hia,” I said ”It is not an to unwrap it

”Stop! That is the office of a servant,” he said

”Why? It is ths of cloth that bound him up in aard propriety Perhaps when it came off, he would be a freer creature ”No wonder the Ro does not permit it!” With a yank, the last few feet of cloth flapped free ”There!”

He was laughing now, perhaps for the first time that day ”I can remove my own sandals,” he said, as I tried to untie thee of the carpet He earing a plain linen tunic underneath the a, and it was loosely belted

I plucked at it like a lyre string ”I have heard that this has been your trademark,” I said ”Noas that?”

”Who told you that?” he asked, leaning back against one of the cushi+ons and propping his feet up on a Syrian hassock His face had softened and his dark eyes, tired before, were alert

”I read it,” I confessed At the tinificance of it ”Supposedly Sulla the Dictator warned people to 'beware of that boy with the loosely belted clothes' ”

He snorted ”Oh That It was just one of his attacks Loosely belted tunics are supposed to denote loose morals But at the tiin Like dear Cicero, he liked to butcher a man's character by insinuation” But the eastern pleasure rooer ”Cicero once said al on my neatness rather than on my slovenliness He said, 'When I see his hair so carefully arranged, and observe hiine it should enter into such a hts to subvert the Roman state' ”

”He is obsessed with the Roman state,” I said ”But let us leave it behind, so it does not enter here Cicero, Sulla, the Senate--put them as firmly aside as you have put your sandals For now”

I touched his shoulders, and finding theed them until the tenseness melted a bit

”There is no need for you to do these things,” he protested ”I have servants at home--”

”Whom you probably never let touch you,” I said ”Is that not true?”

”When I have tiic hour, set aside from all the rest Like your extra days to be added to the calendar” I continued to squeeze his shoulders with all the strength in h, he flopped down on his stomach, turned his head on the cushi+on, and let me rub his shoulders His eyes closed in contentment

He let me pull his arainst his flesh With the yellow afternoon light strea the time, for the first time I was able to look at his skin and his broad back and see each line, each sinew, each scar For a soldier he had surprisingly few scars, although I supposed that the back was the place where a survivor would have the fewest

I nudged at his shoulder and succeeded in getting hi one arht sleeping Now on his chest I could see more scars, some of them perhaps from a boyhood mishap, others perhaps frouishable now; they all looked alike once they had turned white and receded into the flesh The cut given by a playiven by a Gallic foe, reduced to equality by time and scar tissue I supposed each of the wounds

I loved hi each , I would have had it never happen, I would wish it away, I would have had it never happen, I would wish it away, taking him further and further back to a time when he had known no disappointments, no battles, no wounds, as I erased each one To ain like Caesarion Yet if we take the past away from those we love--even to protect the him further and further back to a time when he had known no disappointments, no battles, no wounds, as I erased each one To ain like Caesarion Yet if we take the past away from those we love--even to protect them--do we not steal their very selves?

He stirred, murmured, and slowly pulled his arhten as he sat up He took my head in his hands and drew it up

”No e It is not worthy of a queen to bestow it”

I looked long and hard at my reflection in the surface of his dark brown eyes ”I ae,” I finally said ”If you do not know that, then you are ignorant in the ways of love, in spite of all your women”

”Perhaps I am,” he said slowly ”Perhaps I am”

My desire for him seemed unbounded; I felt that no matter what I did, I could never adequately express it or satisfy it I leaned over and kissed hihtly But at the touch of uid, relaxed creature on the cushi+ons to a hungry h and close on it His other arly that I lost ainst the mound of cushi+ons

The square of sun on the carpet by our heads was giving off a hot radiance His skin felt as lusciously, soothingly warainst his shoulder and rubbed it Skin against skin was both co it had been since I had lain against him! Since my arrival in Rome, we had had few private hours There had been no tiive scandal There was scandal enough inin Caesar's villa

He rolled over and forcedet htenedall my natural modesty I seemed to float out into another world as removed from my real self as this room was from everyday life

But was that not why I had created it--to float free fro, I pulled off his belt It was loosely knotted and caht,” I whispered ”Loose clothes are causing you to be ravished”

”Of course Sulla was right,” he said ”One's enemies often know one better than one's friends” He buried his face init as if it were the most delicate, airy pastry, or easily bruised petals The soft touch of those lips lightly brushi+ng my skin caused stabs of almost unbearable desire in me

Noas the unpracticed, impatient child If I had had my way, I would have ended it within minutes, before the sun had moved very far on that square of carpet But he, who hadhis most personal characteristic in war, seeht in the soft cushi+ons, mattresses, and carpets of the east He pursued ht e until he decided the conditions were, at last, perfect for his purpose ThenThenI cannot describe it, only remember it I cannot describe it, only re into a formlessness that rivaled the pillows; for him, it seemed deeply restorative I awoke before he didf and I was surprised at how soundly he was still sleeping The light had ated, and softened It must be late in the afternoon and I was surprised at how soundly he was still sleeping The light had ated, and softened It must be late in the afternoon

I closedWe had such little ti by Yet all I could do noas lie still, ainst his, and listen to his breathing

The light no longer held any geoly without any transition He turned his head on the cushi+on and looked atan unexpected terrain

”We are still here,” he said in wonder ”I thought it was a dream, and I would awaken on my camp bed”