Part 12 (2/2)

”Tonight we are htened at what I had embarked on; I was not even sure I could couise my confusion

He stood before me in the robes of the God In the darkness his face was hidden, but his physical presence filled the robes and did them justice

He bent down to kiss me, the first time anyone had ever done so I aln toboth hands up to do so; he eently, he kissed my neck Each action was so slow and deliberate that it felt portentous, as if he were unbolting a sacred door or unsealing a shrine He took uided theht And touching him, even just his shoulders, felt as forbidden as his touch on er, but now I seeer to my very self And yetit was as if I did know hi way My fear evaporated, its place taken by eagerness and excitement

He reached down and picked me up, more easily than Apollodoros had I felt his arm bones, and I wanted the for me He took only two steps over to the bed

The robes of A Now heoff hisnaked beneath the robes

I re, after the hard journey it was dirty and s and the bottom of the boat With unsteady hands I drew the Isis robe around my shoulders and over my back

”Ah” He put out a hand and touched me, as if in wonder Had I not known better, I would have believed he had never seen a woht it was so

Bolder now, I touched hi his muscled chest, so different from the eunuch Mardian's--the only male I had ever e like a child in a new room He seemed amused

”Youe I trusted hi

”Can Aeable A God and a Goddess” Then he pulled gently and unfastened the clasp of my robe The heavy costume slid off my shoulders He kissed the place where the robe had lain His lips ooseflesh

He bent his head and kissed ht, then the left He touched them almost reverently

”Even Venus is never portrayed with breasts this perfect,” he ently, as if he were still undecided whether to pursue this course of action After what see and offer ift But I would not rob your husband of it”

”I'm free to offer it as I will,” I cried, suddenly afraid he would refuse rant me a husband I want!” Certainly notof my person for him, or even to let him touch me ”You must be my husband!” I insisted ”Yes, Amun to Isis--” Let me hide my unbidden and impolitic desire behind the conventions of the costuainstonfor us to join together Everything was gone from my mind but this desire I did not reht information from the prostitute or Olympos, only that I wanted to be physically possessed by Caesar

”--I will be your husband”

”So be it,” I said, with all ave ed He becaentle and patient with ry, as if he had created an appetite in ht up in it, picked up and transported to another world, as I had heard happened to sages; afterwards they returned to earth babbling about the visions they had had, indescribable, ineffable, transfor Sometimes these holywinds and carried great distances; sometimes they departed only from the utter quiet of their own chaed when they returned, and so I was, as well I had touched and been touched by another huates of privacy, into my very self, so that there were no boundaries left What I had dreaded all my life as annihilation I now experienced as co to him as if I would never lose hiuration, never to fade But it would; it did So I learned two things that night, and the next day, fro nature of it

He slept His body lay stretched on the bed, a linen sheet draped over his back as if he were just dozing from the baths The Amun robe lay somewhere on the floor, discarded after it had served its purpose I could tell fro slowly up and down, exposed to a dagger should I have one hidden Pompey had been killed by the treachery of a Ptole peacefully at the ht; not only would I never harm hi ti to him breathe and move in his sleep

I felt profoundly bound to hi only at a normal pace, the heat of the moment replaced by cool watchfulness, I saw him not as an abstract Roman, or even as the famous conqueror Caesar, but as a lone ht I could make out the lines on his back, the little bumps where his spinal cord lay like a rope under his flesh, even some scars He had had a hard life the last few years;soldiers to attack his once brother-in-la his foe No rest, no safety, betrayed by the very city he had won victories for, having to risk his life just to have his rights recognizedhe had said that only his troops had kept hi sacrificed by the Senate, when all was said and done A weary man, an unappreciated manan exile, like me But he had ended my exile I wished to do the same for him--if there was any way I could

The enoran to sink in I had blithely handed hiinity Did he even value it? Why had I done it? I tried to ask ht to matter The ”sacrifice” had been unnecessary--he had said he would takehad already won hiain further bywith sha this unbearable, iether different froined

I remembered the first time I had ever heard his naypt He had been Consul then--it was even before he had gone to Gaul I had ireedy, red-faced, and loud, growing more so as the years went on, so that by this time he would be almost a swine, in spite of his rapacious appetite for stolen artworks I thought his bed behavior (one could not call it loveh, like the field soldier he was No one had prepared ant man And certainly no one had prepared me to find in his words and beliefs an echo of my own values and very self We were alike, in our deepest substance, even though ere born years apart and on different sides of the sea, and of different peoples He was much more my brother than were my real brothers

And no one had prepared me to feel so fiercely loyal to hiI was eager for ; I did not even want to

I was supremely happy, perhaps the first time in my life I had ever been so I laidhis breathing lull me into a state where I could float and savor that peaceful happiness

I must have slept, because when I openedout theHe had already put his tunic on, but was still barefoot I slipped out of bed and ca my arms around him ”You have stolen from my bed,” I said

”Lest I should be chained there byto ht showed his face, with lines around the eyes but otherwise taut and healthy

”Is that wrong?” I asked I knew already that being together in the daytime would be entirely different

”It is h ”Don't you know that such things are done only by the degenerate people of the east? But then, of course, you are are of the east!” of the east!”

”How could anything Caesar does be un-Roman?”

”There are those who like to prescribe Roman behavior One must be careful not to run afoul of theave his half-smile ”But laterwell, one must admit their standards are questionable They say adultery is permissible, but only in the dark!”

”Who are these Romans?” I was curious

”Oh, Cicero, Cato, Brutusbut there is no reason for you to be concerned about their s”

”Nor you, while you are here” I took his hand But I could see his thoughts were already on the business of the day ahead I dropped it and let hio to the other side of the room, where his clothes lay abandoned He quickly put them back on I marveled at how fast a soldier can dress hied for your br--” he started to say, when there was a knock at the door ”Enter!” he bellowed

The doors were flung open, and in stepped Ptolemy and Pothinus Now I suddenly understood why Caesar was up and dressed, and why I was not I had nothing on but a sheet that I had wound around asped Ptole to cry, and Pothinus, for once, was speechless He bobbed his ibis-head up and down over his obese body He stared at me, at the royal bed with its sheets and pillows still in disarray, and then at Caesar, s and self-possessed He understood

”It isn't fair!” shrieked Ptoleet here, it isn't fair, it isn't fair!” He turned and ran froet here, it isn't fair, it isn't fair!” He turned and ran froan Pothinus in a shaky, high voice, ”we are most surprised by the presence of--”

”Stop that boy!” barked Caesar to his guards, who had crept up outside the doors during the night ”Stop hiets outside”

But eways in the palace, and before they could even locate him, he had run out into the forecourt and then alrounds froe croas always there, and today was no exception I watched from the chamberas he rushed toward the people, yanked off his royal coronet, threw it to the ground, and burst into a howl of tears

”I've been betrayed!” he yelped ”Betrayed, betrayed!” Then followed a paroxys off the brass on their breastplate straps, ran out of the palace after hied him back into the palace

My blood felt chilled I had just had an unrehearsed--and therefore all the --demonstration of who held the real power here Coypt, and treated hie boy I must not lose Caesar's favor, lest they do the sa to talk ”Forgive hi,” he whined ”He cannot hide his feelings”

Caesar was standing, one lean aro over to theto see ould happen to Ptolemy He kneould happen He just looked at Pothinus, and it appeared that he was not going to bother to answer hient, most exalted Queen?” he asked, in that deadly quiet public voice I was beco accustomed to But it was not the voice he used in the dark of the night ”I prefer not,” I said

”But your father's ished it so,” Caesar persisted Was he teasing me? What did he mean to do? ”And did you not take as your title 'Cleopatra, the Goddess Who Loves Her Father'? Then, of course, you should honor his wishes Would you care to proceed with themyself to hi co me as Caesar had ”I could not bear it,” I said

Ptole The two soldiers supported hiroom himself!” said Caesar ”Co day”