Part 7 (1/2)
He nodded.
”Okay. Remember it, then.” She looked away for a moment, biting her lip, as if she were gathering her thoughts. Then she began again. ”And also remember this: This thing we're fighting, this place, the people who are doing it, whatever the h.e.l.l it is, it's tricky, it's real tricky. And it's in control. Everything is on its side. They have all the machines in the world and they've got us trapped, and they can do whatever they want to us. And we don't have anything. We have nothing to fight it with except ourselves, our own bodies and our brains. And they're going to take advantage of any slips we make. So we can't slip we can't slip. Do you understand that?”
He nodded again.
”And you know what I mean, don't you? You can't go off into these ... daydreams, or, or trances, or whatever they are. They will use that against us, I don't know how, but in some way they will. You've got to keep alert. You've got to keep alert or it will all fall apart. Peter! Did you hear me? These trances have got to stop!”
”But ...,” he said, ”but....” What was she saying? How could he stop them? They were the only good thing there was, the only comfort he had from the terrifying heights and the bleakness and Oliver's sporadic cruelty and equally sporadic interest. And anyway, they were beyond his control, they were like a fog coming and blotting everything out, there was nothing he could do about them because he wasn't creating them; something else was. ”But ... but I can't,” he said. ”I ... I can't help it, they just happen to me.”
”Well, you've got to help it.” She was squeezing his shoulder very tightly now, her bitten-off fingernails pressing painfully against the bone. ”You have got to help it. If you can't stop them, we're lost. And don't give me that bulls.h.i.+t about something else doing it. It's nothing but yourself, you're just doing it to yourself.”
”I ... I am?”
”Oh, of course course you are!” She let go of his shoulder to gesture into the air and then, dropping her voice, she asked, ”What are they like, anyway?” you are!” She let go of his shoulder to gesture into the air and then, dropping her voice, she asked, ”What are they like, anyway?”
”I....” It was difficult to describe, and so embarra.s.sing. But, watching her face, he knew he had to try. If he didn't at least tell her about them, then his whole difficult journey, alone, step by painful step up to her, would have been useless. ”Well, it's....” He sighed. ”Once, when we were first here, I think ... I think I told you about ... about the first orphanage I was in, the good one ...?”
”Yes?” She nodded her encouragement, and her face was serious and concerned.
”I ... it's like I'm back there again, except it's different, better, kind of ... well, kind of magical. And there's ... well, this boy....” His voice was barely a whisper now; he had never spoken about Jasper to anyone. ”This boy ... he was my friend, he ... we were always together. Jasper, his name was Jasper. He looked kind of like ... like Oliver. And he's in the dream, in the ... in the magic room, taking care of me....” Now he was beginning to cry, his throat constricting and tears welling up in his eyes. ”Taking care of me ... he always took care of me ... taking care of me and, and ... and loving me.” He gasped back a sob and covered his eyes with his hand.
Lola said nothing, and at last he took his hand away and looked at her. She was still studying him intently, but her face had softened. ”It was the best time in your life,” she murmured.
”Yes.”
”And now is the worst, and you want to go back to that other time.”
”I ... is that it, do you think?”
”It sure seems like it. And ... and in a certain way I can understand it. You've been dumped on ever since that first place, but something always kept you going anyway, until you got in here; and then in here, everything was so awful that you just gave up, and tried to get back there. Doesn't that make sense?”
”Yes ... yes, I guess it does.”
”And I know it feels good to go back there,” she went on, ”but listen: There's something else that would feel even better. Beating this place, winning out against it, wouldn't that be great, Peter, knowing that you'd done that?” She was leaning forward, her eyes pleading, her hand on his shoulder again. ”And if we don't, if we don't win ... Christ, the only alternative is what that d.a.m.n machine is going to make us do to each other. You know that, that's why you came all the way up here by yourself to find me.”
”Yes.” He was nodding at her. ”Yes, I know what it would do. Yes, it would be terrible.”
”And going back to your dream world won't help at all. You've got to realize that if we can only win out, right now now can be better than the dream. Do you think you can, Peter?” can be better than the dream. Do you think you can, Peter?”
”Oh, I don't know!” Suddenly his voice was raised in agony, his fists clenched. ”How can I make it stop?”
”Okay, okay.” She seemed taken aback by his outburst. ”Maybe not all at once, maybe you have to go back sometimes, but remember what I said. Will you do that? It's our only hope.”
”I'll remember.” He took a deep breath. He was staring straight into her eyes. Strangely enough, what he had told her about Jasper made it possible for him to look at her directly, as he had never looked at her before. ”But how ... how can can we fight the machine? What can we do?” we fight the machine? What can we do?”
Lola sighed and stood up, taking a few quick paces back and forth across the small landing. ”Oh, G.o.d,” she murmured under her breath, as though he weren't there. ”Oh, G.o.d, it's gonna be tough, it's gonna be so G.o.ddam tough.” Suddenly she spun toward him, pointing. ”Because we're gonna be fighting two things. The machine isn't the only enemy. It's the others, too, we're gonna have to be fighting the others too.”
”Are ... are you sure?”
”You said so yourself. You said they'd go along with it, and you're right, G.o.d d.a.m.n it! If only there was just one one of them who'd side with us, then at least it would be three against two. I wonder if maybe Abigail.... But no.” She sighed. ”Anyway, there's only one thing we can do about it. The first thing we've got to do is tell them what we're doing, and even of them who'd side with us, then at least it would be three against two. I wonder if maybe Abigail.... But no.” She sighed. ”Anyway, there's only one thing we can do about it. The first thing we've got to do is tell them what we're doing, and even beg beg them to be on our side.” She was staring intensely off into the distance, clasping her hands so tightly together that he could see the muscles standing out on her thin arms. them to be on our side.” She was staring intensely off into the distance, clasping her hands so tightly together that he could see the muscles standing out on her thin arms.
”But ... but if you don't think Abigail would go along with us, maybe ... well, maybe we could get Oliver ...?
”What? Oliver Oliver? Are you kidding?” She dropped her arms and snorted contemptuously. ”Oliver? You know, Pete, in some ways you're pretty smart, I'm beginning to realize that. But in other ways you're mighty dumb. Oliver? Do you think for one minute he'd even-” Then she noticed his face, and stopped herself. ”Listen, Peter,” she went on more carefully. ”I know you have this thing about Oliver, and now I can even understand it a little. I know he's like that friend you want to go back to, but you can't trust him.” Suddenly she broke off, her eyes hardening. ”You don't believe me, do you? You think I just don't like him, like Blossom said.”
”No ... I ... maybe you're right about him, but....”
”Listen to this, Peter. Listen.” She spoke slowly and distinctly. ”He likes likes those trances of yours, because he's the only one who can wake you up. He those trances of yours, because he's the only one who can wake you up. He likes likes you to be helpless, so he can be stronger. Don't you see that? He's using you.” you to be helpless, so he can be stronger. Don't you see that? He's using you.”
”But ...,” said Peter. He was going to cry again. It was too much to take, Lola telling him he had to fight against the magic room, and now losing whatever small comfort he got occasionally from Oliver.
”Peter, please, listen to me.” She was pleading with him again. ”I'm sorry I had to tell you that, it was a Blossom kind of trick, and I'm sorry. And the machine will probably like it that I told you. But if you trust him it will only weaken you.” She was grasping both his shoulders now, shaking him again. ”You can can stand on your own. I'll help you. I know it's not the same, but I'll help you.” stand on your own. I'll help you. I know it's not the same, but I'll help you.”
”Okay, okay.” He shook the tears out of his eyes and turned his face away from her. She had said enough; now he had to think it through by himself.
”But about the machine,” he said, clearing his throat. ”What can we do about that?”
”Oh yeah.” She stood up and stepped away from him. ”The machine. I guess there's only one thing we can do. You know what it is as well as I do. You already said it; I've been trying not to. You know what it is, don't you?”
He nodded.
”We just can't do what it wants, and can't go along with the others when they do. Which means that most of the time ... most of the time we won't, we won't....”
He finished for her. ”We won't be able to eat.”
Chapter 16.
”Maybe he's up there talking to Lola,” Blossom said. Peter had been gone much longer than it should have taken him to go to the toilet. Blossom was nervous whenever anyone was away from the machine for more than a few minutes. She herself left the landing as little as possible, and was always trying to make the others stay around: The thought of losing out when the machine might be generous was unbearable to her.
”Why would he be talking to Lola?” said Oliver, sounding strangely tense. ”What would he have to say to her?”
”I don't know.” Twisting her hair, Blossom studied the stairways above her yet another time. ”But they better get back here pretty soon, that's all I can say.”
Abigail had moved from the stairway she usually shared with Oliver and had been sitting by herself, staring into her lap. ”But if Lola was right, then it doesn't matter,” she said slowly. ”The machine won't give us anything to eat until somebody does something against somebody else; so we can just wait till they come back to do it.” There was an unusual bitterness in her voice.
”You mean you believed believed that c.r.a.p?” said Oliver. ”G.o.d, you must be even stupider than I thought you were. She was just hysterical because we'd all found out what she said about us. She didn't know what she was talking about. The whole thing was a coincidence. It had nothing to do with what Blossom or I did.” that c.r.a.p?” said Oliver. ”G.o.d, you must be even stupider than I thought you were. She was just hysterical because we'd all found out what she said about us. She didn't know what she was talking about. The whole thing was a coincidence. It had nothing to do with what Blossom or I did.”
Blossom didn't agree with him, but she said nothing. She wasn't yet absolutely sure that Lola was right, but she certainly hoped she was. Whatever might happen, Blossom knew that she was the most experienced at doing what Lola claimed the machine wanted, and would therefore be better off than the others. She was eager for an opportunity to test Lola's theory, and began trying to think what she might do as an experiment. It was not long before an idea came to her.
”I bet Peter is is talking to Lola,” she said. ”I bet they're planning something.” talking to Lola,” she said. ”I bet they're planning something.”
”What the h.e.l.l is that that supposed to mean?” said Oliver, and Abigail looked up from her lap. supposed to mean?” said Oliver, and Abigail looked up from her lap.
”Oh, I don't know,” said Blossom, looking away coyly and letting her finger play with her lip. ”I mean, of course Lola's idea that the machine wants us to gang up against each other is utterly infantile and stupid, but she she believes it, doesn't she? And that probably means she's going to try something, doesn't it, to make the machine work? Something against us. And you know what Peter's like, anybody can make him do anything. I'm sure that's what they're doing.” believes it, doesn't she? And that probably means she's going to try something, doesn't it, to make the machine work? Something against us. And you know what Peter's like, anybody can make him do anything. I'm sure that's what they're doing.”