Part 36 (1/2)
”We should get out of the street.”
I lead him into the house.
We're still making out, lying in each other's arms on the family room couch when Mom pulls up. I'm on my feet, running out to talk to her, breathless and giddy. ”Derek's over. Can he stay?”
”The night?” She's nervous about it this time.
”Dinner?”
”Of course.”
Derek and I mess around, making dinner in the kitchen while Mom watches the news. He's playful and affectionate and makes really good pasta. Neither of us says much. Words are trouble. I'm so happy he's back that I don't care about anything else.
After dinner he wanders over to the piano. The Amabile folder lies on the bench. He sets it aside, glances up at me.
”I wanted it. I really did.”
He nods. He sits down and begins to play. His fingers caress the keys and a delicate melody emerges. I've heard this song before. I sink onto the couch, close my eyes, and remember him humming it to me on our bench in Lausanne. He doesn't stop halfway through this time. It's whole and rich and stunning.
”You finished it.”
Mom stands in the kitchen with a dirty plate in her hand. ”That's a striking song. I don't know it.”
Derek gets up from the piano. ”It's just something I've been working on.”
”It's a lovely piece.”
”Thanks.” He looks thoughtfully over at me. ”It just needs words.”
”Derek composes and arranges pieces for his choir.”
”Is there anything Derek doesn't do?” Mom looks from him to me and back to him. She puts that last plate in the dishwasher and heads to her den. ”Behave yourselves,” floats down the hall from over her shoulder.
We flick on the TV, find an old movie, try to watch it, give up, and make out until Mom interrupts us.
”School tomorrow, Beth.”
”Okay.”
I walk Derek out to his bike. ”Why'd you come back?”
”I didn't leave you, Beth.” He hugs me. ”Honest. I was going to call the next day.” His words ache with sincerity.
I believe. I shouldn't, but there's too much love in his voice for doubt to survive. ”So,” I exhale, ”what's next?”
”I don't know when I can get away again. We've got some cool gigs coming up. Maybe you can come to some of them.” He caresses my face.
I'm so there-nodding as he speaks, but then I remember. ”c.r.a.p. We're recording the next two weekends.”
”I guess we'll have to make do online.” His lips press against my temple. ”Thanks for tonight. You don't know how badly I needed to see you.”
”Me too.”
”I can't believe you didn't tell me to take a hike.”
”Me neither.”
He kisses me, and I cling to him. When will I see him again? I can't let go of his lips. I get crazy, chewing on his mouth, sucking his lips and tongue, hard and desperate. I press myself into his body.
He groans, grabs my arms, and shakes me. ”Do you know what you're doing to me?”
I just get his mouth again.
He pulls me tight. His kisses turn hard, overpowering. His grip on my arms hurts. What happened to my gentle boyfriend?
I should fight him, tell him he's hurting me, but I don't. I'm limp, completely in his control. He scares me, wild like this. He's always been so tender, so careful. I love this, too, though. I don't want him to stop. My beast slips its leash. I get as fierce as he is. c.r.a.p. Why is my mom home?
She flashes the porch light.
Derek's head jerks up off my neck. He shoves me away. I stumble, catch myself.
I'll have bruises on my arms in the morning. His neck will be a mess. We're both breathing hard.
He coughs as he gets on his bike. He won't even look at me.
What have I done?
Are we messed up?
I am the Beast.
He kicks his bike to life and drives away. No good-bye. No see you later.
No I love you.
Suddenly the mild October night is bitter cold.
I wrap my jacket close around me and walk slowly up the path to the porch, climb the stairs, and push through the front door.
Mom is waiting for me in the living room. ”We need to talk, Beth.”
”Not now.” I'm a wreck, Mom. Please. I wander up the stairs to my room and fall face down on my bed.
She follows me, sits on the bed's edge, and strokes my hair. ”I'm worried about you.”
I'm so not having this conversation.