Part 16 (1/2)
She doesn't say anything, but I can hear soft crying sounds.
”It was positive, wasn't it?” Something deep inside me clenches hard against the pain that's cutting into my heart. ”I'm a carrier.”
”We'll go see a genetic counselor when you get home.” She takes a deep breath, tries to control her voice. ”I didn't want to tell you like this.”
”Okay. Is there anything else I should know?”
”Don't let this news ruin your trip. Forget about it and have a great time. We'll deal with it when you're back. The doctors wanted you to go on the pill right away, but I told them we didn't have to worry about that. I'm proud of you, honey.”
”Thanks, Mom.”
”I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so-so-sorry.” She's crying again.
”I love you, too.” My voice cracks on the last word. The phone goes dead. My eyes sting. I figure I have about two minutes before I fall apart. No way can I go back to pizza. And calm, cool, beautiful Derek.
There are yellow stripes on the road in front of me. Crosswalk. Good. I step into it. A car slams on its brakes. I jump. I'd be dead in Detroit, but the Swiss stop. I look up at the leathered face of an old Swiss man, raise my hand to thank him. He smiles and waves back. A lump grows in my throat.
Now traffic is stopped for me, going both ways. I hurry across, pa.s.s paddleboats and a place selling ice-cream cones and soda, walk down to the lake. There's a ferry terminal on my right. Big trees. Benches. I find one that's mostly hidden behind a fat tree trunk and bushes.
I sit down, try to get a grip. The lake is a mirror today. Really blue. The sky, too. A few fluffy clouds and suns.h.i.+ne. Mountains, blue in the distance with white jagged peaks, rise up on the other side. It's so serene. I can't look at it. I need clouds. Driving rain. Cras.h.i.+ng waves. The beauty of this place mocks me, screams Da-amn ugly back in my face.
I almost escaped him. Almost escaped all of them. Every guy who's ever called me a beast. I'd started letting myself hope I had a shot at something like a normal life. A relations.h.i.+p. Marriage. A family. I'd resigned myself to that blind guy when I was forty, but this new facade transformed my fantasies.
Look at Derek. Even Scott.
c.r.a.p. At the prom, Colby hit on me.
Somebody could love me. I'm not repulsive anymore. Meadow's painful intervention gave me that gift. Kind of amazing.
This death sentence on my unborn slams the door shut. Natural selection wins. I am the Beast. Who could love that? The risks are way too high.
Maybe I can get them to rip it out of me-all of it. Everything that makes me a woman, that makes me yearn to love somebody, everything that makes me cry right now for babies that will never be.
Empty.
G.o.d, take all these feelings,
Let me just be
A sh.e.l.l
Alone on the seash.o.r.e
While life swells around me.
Soft tiny fingers,
That sweet baby smell,
Still the dream lingers.
Please, take me from this new h.e.l.l-
Tears slide down my face. I wipe at them, angry. He shouldn't have the power to make me cry. My father is a faraway shadow. I never even knew him.
Hot liquid pours out of my nose. Gross. I bury my face in my purse.
Somebody sits down on my bench, hands me a packet of tissues.
Derek.
”Thank you,” I whisper, rip out a soft white tissue, and wipe my nose. I try to hand the package back to him.
”Keep it. I've got a suitcase full.”
I clutch the package, fumble to open it up again.
”Bad news?”
”Kind of.” I get out another tissue and sop my face.
”I'm sorry.”
He sounds sincere. I want him to be-desperately need him to be. ”Thanks for finding me.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder. ”I was watching you. I can't stop watching you, Beth.” He's rubbing my back now-like you would a hurt child. ”I could tell the call didn't end well.”
I close my eyes. The tears are coming back.
”Is your family all right?”