Part 23 (1/2)
”What happened, Carolyn?” Shaking my head, I added, ”I've been dying to know...for three f.u.c.king years.”
”I wish I had a good explanation but the simple truth is that I lost my ability to cope for a long time...to see things clearly. After what Chase did? And then Drew and Will...dead? I believed it was all on me. I started to believe every hateful thing people were saying about me. I became this fearful, paranoid girl. I didn't even recognize the person I'd become.”
I took her hand. It was an instinct, something I needed to ground me. ”I was so mad at you, Carolyn.” I couldn't look at her again as I felt that old wound resurface. ”You didn't trust me. I mean, why didn't you tell me what Chase was doing to you? All those weeks...and you would just pretend when we were together that everything was great?”
”It was great. I know how ridiculous it sounds now, but back then? It was like you and I were in this little bubble. It was my happiness. I could pretend he wasn't hara.s.sing me. That everyone...that my parents,” she added, cringing, ”wouldn't soon find out what I'd done. What I'd hidden from them.”
”I would have gotten to him, Carolyn. He never would have sent that s.h.i.+t out if you would have just trusted me.”
”I did trust you! But I knew if I told you, you'd go after him...you'd hurt him. After how hard you worked, knowing how much you struggled, I couldn't live with myself knowing I was the reason you were expelled.”
I looked at her with disbelief, unable to hide my anger. ”So I got my f.u.c.king diploma but I lost everything.”
”I am sorry.”
”I would have helped you. We could have helped each other. I felt like...like you never really...like you weren't in as deep as I was.”
”I know it sounds like a cop out, Jeremy, but I had no control at a certain point. I was vacant. You...everyone...would be better off without me. I believed that.” She looked to me again. ”I know Tori never told you because, well, she's awesome like that, but,” she swallowed, shoring herself up, ”I had a breakdown. I spent nearly two months in a hospital after I put my fists through my dorm window freshman year.”
I lowered my head. It was that same feeling, always: the desire to wrap her up in my arms while simultaneously wanting to shake her and scream. Frustration and pain. Why did she go through it all alone when she could have had me by her side? ”Carolyn, I didn't know.”
”No one did,” she said with a faint smile. ”I was at Silver Springs, psychiatric facility for the rich and famous. Didn't matter if you were schizophrenic, suicidal or completely psychotic...your diagnosis was exhaustion. No trail. Nothing that could affect your next movie deal or your daddy's political aspirations, know what I mean?”
”Were you? Suicidal, I mean?”
”I don't think I intended to die when I lost it that night. I did want all the pain to stop, though. But no, I don't think so. Right after it all happened, after Drew...it's like I wanted to inflict as much pain on myself as I could. Reading what our cla.s.smates...what friends were thinking about me? Then the vile things that the internet creeps were writing? I needed to see it every day like I needed air to breathe. I fed off it. I was obsessed. I wanted to be punished. But then it all became too much. I could feel it...my sanity slipping away. I knew I was...going crazy.”
”Cut yourself some slack, Carolyn. That was a bad time.”
”But it scares me that I sunk that low.” She looked away as she said, ”Sometimes I think about my college roommate. She wasn't exactly kind to me but I do feel sort of sympathetic towards her now. Aubrey found me that night. Apparently, there was blood everywhere and I was totally out of it, screaming at the top of my lungs.” She stopped for a moment, taking in a few shaky breaths before continuing. ”I'm better now, really, but I'm also terrified that it could happen again, you know?”
I nodded, feeling so low, so sad for her. ”What changed? How did you get better?”
”Silver Springs does have some of the best doctors and therapists money can buy, so that set me on the right path, I guess. I found out later that my parents went heavy into debt keeping me there. Two months at a place like that sets you back a lot. But it did put me on the road back. Therapy...lots of therapy. And I was on medication for more than a year.” She looked up to me, uncertain. ”I still feel ashamed about that.”
”You shouldn't,” I said, squeezing her hand.
Her expression was grateful. ”I still see a therapist, but now it's just once or twice a month, when I feel like I need it. Running really helps me. I also eat a certain way-very little sugar, lots of veggies. Having my family close and letting friends back in, though, that's helped me the most.”
”So you're still in school?”
She laughed ruefully. ”Yeah, and at the rate I'm going, my undergraduate will take six or seven years.”
”So what?”
”I know. It's just that I used to have it all mapped out. Four years at an ivy league, then onto a top-rated graduate program, doctorate in neuropsychology, then off to change the world. Everything carefully planned-my upward trajectory according to my rigid little timetable.”
”And now?”
”That plan isn't completely off the table, it's just that I've been forced to become more flexible on how long it takes me to get there. Right now I'm studying early childhood education, specializing in reading disabilities. Someday down the road I may be on the research side, but for now, I think I'm happiest working directly with kids like Thomas.”
”And like me,” I said, nudging her shoulder. ”Those kids will be really lucky to have you as a teacher.”
”I hope so.” She wiped at her eyes and then smiled brightly. ”So, I've kept tabs on you,” she said, in an attempt to take the focus off of her. ”You did it, huh? You own your own business?”
”Co-own, but yeah” I answered, shrugging my shoulders.
She elbowed me, teasing. ”Don't be modest. That's a huge big deal, Jeremy.”
”It's a lot of work but I like it.” I paused. ”No, I love being my own boss,” I admitted, smiling.
”I knew you could do it. I'm surprised it happened so fast for you, though. It's impressive.”
”Thanks.”
”Do you still make time to sketch?”
”Yeah. It...does something for me. Grounds me. Helps me work through issues I might be having with work or just other s.h.i.+t that's driving me crazy.” After a pause, I said, ”You were at the Gala, I'm a.s.suming.”
She nodded, looking ahead, and then her fingers went straight to a strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. That old nervous habit. ”Can I ask you something, Jeremy?”
”Anything.”
”Did you want me to see them, or was it more that you were cleaning house? Wanting to get rid of everything that reminded you of me?”
I looked up at the sky, unsure of how I should answer. ”For the past three years...it's like every time I go somewhere, anyplace where I think you might be, I'm hoping I'll see you and also praying that I won't. I can't explain it. It's like I'm still f.u.c.king desperate for you but I hate myself for feeling that way.” I took her hand when I noticed she was looking away, trying to hide the fact that she was crying. I went on, softly. ”I wanted you to see them, especially that one of you. It's like I wanted you to know I still care about you but I wanted to hurt you at the same time.”
”I get it, I think.”
”I don't know if you do, Carolyn. I don't even know if I get it. But I know that this past year, hearing Tori talk about spending time with you again, seeing Taylor's posts with pictures of you all laughing, knowing that you're doing all these great things again...it f.u.c.king hurts. You look so good, so happy. How could you let them back in? Why not me?”
She didn't answer right away and I felt tired all of a sudden, so f.u.c.king tired. I dropped her hand from mine and was a second from getting up and leaving when she said, ”How could I think that after everything that's happened, you'd want anything to do with me? And I worry too...maybe I'm not good for you, Jeremy.”
”What the h.e.l.l is that supposed to mean, anyway? Is that some kind of let-me-down-easy bulls.h.i.+t? You're not good enough for me but you're good enough for that uppity a.s.shole, Todd?”
She looked at me like I had two heads. ”What are you even talking about? I'm not with Todd, he's just a friend of mine.” Her expression changed from surprised to p.i.s.sed off. ”And who are you to talk, mister-I-love-big-t.i.ts?”
I looked at her, wide-eyed, laughing. ”Come again?”
”Your date, Kenzi.” She looked irritated and...jealous? Good. ”And, just for the record,” she went on, ”I may have hurt you that summer but you did move on pretty quickly.”
”Three and a half years is pretty quickly? How do you figure?”
”G.o.d...you moved on right after,” she said, looking away, shaking her head.
”I'm still not following.”
”They warned me, they'd been sending me pictures...even before everything went down with Drew. I didn't believe them. I mean, I knew that Samantha, Erica and Kerri were not my friends. I thought there had to be some logical explanation. I knew you and Vanessa were close but...s.h.i.+t, Jeremy, it hurt. And when I saw that just a few months later she'd moved in with you?” She shook her head. ”And you know what's crazy? I remember feeling crushed but I was also kind of relieved for your sake. I was damaged goods, you know? I didn't want you to be burdened with me.”
I wanted to kiss her senseless and push her into the lake at the same time. ”Vanessa's gay. Gay since the day she was born. You do know that, right? She owns a tattoo shop in New Jersey with her girlfriend.”