Part 10 (1/2)

What followed was three days of being bombarded by phone calls, visits and flowers. We rehashed the same conversation over and over. I asked him to tell me what it was that he loved about me. I tried to tell him that he loved this idea of me-not the real me. When he brought up the prom, I felt like a horrible person. ”I can't imagine being there with anyone else, Carolyn.”

I almost told him we should just go together but I held back. That was nearly three months away. I couldn't pretend any longer. I couldn't wait any longer.

I like to think of myself as a moral person. I'd never intentionally hurt another person and I would never cheat. But really, wasn't what I'd been playing at these past several months as bad as cheating? I cared deeply for Drew but my heart beat for someone else entirely. If there is such a thing as one true love, I believed with a conviction that grew stronger every day that Jeremy was that person for me.

That following weekend I heard Drew had gotten trashed drunk and went home with Lara. Samantha called me first thing Sunday morning to relay the juicy gossip. I'm sure she loved every minute of that conversation, even as she tried her best to act the part of concerned and supportive friend.

Weeks pa.s.sed with me and Carolyn continuing this dance around one another. I could see things had gone sour between Carolyn and Drew. Her confiding in me as we sat in the library one day after school only confirmed what I'd already figured out on my own. Was I happy about the break-up? Yes and no. Yes because I felt like I finally had a chance with her. But no because I had this feeling deep in my gut that it wouldn't work. We wouldn't work.

Me and Carolyn? It was too much to hope for.

She made me hope, though. Every time she laughed at something I said, every time she touched my hand, every time I caught her staring at me...I dreamt of it, I hoped.

”Why don't you just nail her already?” Vanessa asked, barely able to rein in her nasty outlook on life in general.

”Pardon?” I teased, attempting to get Vanessa to lighten up.

”You f.u.c.king drool over her. She'd better be worth it. She better deserve you. If you're letting some spoiled princess lead you around by your d.i.c.k, Jeremy, then that's just sad.”

”Carolyn said that you hated her. I guess she was right.”

”Hate her? I don't give two s.h.i.+ts about her. I just don't want her messing with your head. And you, dumb a.s.s, where exactly do you see this going? What happens to you when Madame Curie sets off to college?”

”I'm not with her, Vanessa. Drop it,” I snapped.

It was no use being mad at Vanessa. It would be like kicking a three-legged cat. She wasn't angry at Carolyn, she was just angry in general.

Things had gotten even worse at Vanessa's house. Her mother had a new loser of a boyfriend, one who made no secret of leering at Vanessa and giving her his unsolicited advice on how to snag a man. ”Shouldn't be a problem with a tight little body like that, young lady.” She imitated him, pressing a raisin over one of her front teeth to emulate his toothless, seedy grin. I laughed at her imitation, but really, that s.h.i.+t was not funny. When I begged her to just stay with me for a while, she declined. Her mother, as s.h.i.+tty a parent as she was, was someone Vanessa felt protective over. She didn't trust that this a.s.shole wouldn't beat on her mother-she'd seen enough to suspect he was a nasty drunk. So she stayed. And if Vanessa needed to partic.i.p.ate in some verbal las.h.i.+ng out to deal with her fury...then so be it.

I was angry, though, because Vanessa was saying out loud things that had been gnawing at me a lot lately. Was I good enough for Carolyn? She was going to college and probably graduate school after that. I a.s.sumed that one day she would be Carolyn Harris, Ph.D.

It wasn't that I was down on myself-I had a good, solid plan for my future. I just didn't know if Carolyn was the type of girl who could ever really be happy with a blue collar guy. I knew that she wanted me, that she cared about me. I felt it. But I just didn't really trust in it.

So even after Carolyn told me that her and Drew were officially done, I didn't dive right in. No one was using me...never again.

It was subtle, but I could feel the animosity rolling off of Erica and Samantha. ”What were you thinking breaking up with Drew?” they'd ask, insinuating in their own endearing way that I'd never do any better. ”What did he do?” Erica asked, fis.h.i.+ng for details. My explanations didn't satisfy either of them. Only Kerri would tell me that she never really felt deep down that Drew and I were right for one another.

There had been this obvious yet barely perceptible s.h.i.+ft within our group. Erica, who'd always been outspoken and the only one of us who'd dare to put Samantha in her place, now seemed to have taken on the role of Samantha's closest confidant. I felt like a third wheel in their presence. Even with Kerri, I felt like I'd lost that close bond. I was no longer in on the group texts to meet after school for a trip to the mall. ”C'mon, Carolyn, you hate the mall,” Samantha would retort, clearly bored, when I'd call her out on it. I did hate the mall but I hated the feeling of being friendless even more. I wasn't imagining it: the way they'd abruptly stop talking as I approached, the lukewarm reception I'd get when I suggested we do something. I was being frozen out.

Samantha plopped down at the lunch table Friday afternoon, a smug smile on her face. ”My father asked me last night which color I liked best, red or black. Do you know what that means?”

”He wanted you to play checkers?” Kerri teased.

Samantha picked a grape off Erica's tray and tossed it playfully at Kerri. Boy, she was in a good mood. ”It means...he wants to know what color car I want.”

”I love your car. You want a new one?” I asked, baffled. Samantha was given a beautiful navy blue Audi coupe for her seventeenth birthday. It wasn't even a year old yet. My parents didn't exactly drive junkers but they weren't car people and they were very careful and practical about money. I understood the whole argument about fancy cars being a waste, a depreciable a.s.set, blah, blah, blah. But in the middle of February, sliding into Samantha's heated leather pa.s.senger seat was nice.

She glanced my way for a fleeting moment. ”I'm going to be eighteen,” she said, shaking her head as if she was repeating something obvious to a toddler. Then Samantha directed her attention back to the others. I was being dismissed again. ”And,” she said, excitedly, ”I'm sure he's thinking I'll need a convertible because I just found out I got into Miami!”

”Oh my G.o.d!” Erica gasped as she grabbed Samantha's hands in her own. Wow, they've bonded, I thought bitterly. Wasn't this the girl who'd given Samantha a smack down about only being able to get into a community college a few months ago?

”Congratulations, Samantha,” I said. I was happy for her. Getting into Miami was an accomplishment; that was definitely a reach school for her. ”I bet you're going to love it there.”

”What's not to love?” Kerri said, smiling at Samantha. ”Sun, beach, a tan year-round. Michigan is sounding pretty c.r.a.ppy right about now.”

”So come with,” Samantha cooed, smiling at Kerri. ”We could be roomies!”

”Right, my parents would freak. They met at Michigan, so I will attend Michigan and meet my husband there as well,” she said, smiling, as she raised her hand to her forehead in a crisp salute. ”And on that note, I've gotta run,” she said, holding up her thumb drive. ”I've gotta print out my English paper.” As she stood to leave she looked to Samantha. ”When are you sending out your invites?”

”Yeah,” I chimed in, trying to be enthusiastic and supportive. ”The big birthday is two weeks from today.” How pathetic, I thought to myself, I'm trying to worm my way back in. Back in...making an effort to get the girl I'd grown up with, my supposed best friend, to like me again. I felt like a loser.

”I'm just sending a text invite. And I'm letting people know that they are not to forward it. If I don't invite you, do not come. That last party I had was ridiculous.”

With the mention of that last disastrous party, Kerri's face fell and she left to go to the computer lab.

Erica nodded. ”Totally. Some of the people who showed up from school...I just felt like asking them, 'Who are you?' This should be more intimate. Just the people we hang out with.”

”I agree,” Samantha answered. Then she looked pointedly at me. ”What are we going to do about you and Drew that night?”

”What do you mean?”

She sighed loudly. ”I mean, there's not going to be like a hundred people there and you can avoid one another. There's probably going to be no more than thirty or forty. Are you going to make it awkward?”

Hurt flashed through me. ”Am I going to make it awkward? Would you rather I didn't come?” I asked, incredulous. My mouth was probably gaping open as I waited for her to respond.

She rolled her eyes, annoyed with me. ”Of course I want you there, Carolyn, but I don't want Drew to feel bad. Can you blame me? The poor guy is heartbroken.”

”The poor guy has received b.l.o.w.j.o.bs from no less than two different girls in the past week and a half. I think he's surviving.”

Erica's face twisted for a moment and then she huffed. ”You can't blame him, Carolyn. You dumped him. And who can fault him for getting some after spending the last year and a half with you, the last virgin on earth?”

I looked back and forth between the two of them. ”Are either one of you my friend? It doesn't really feel like it from where I'm standing.”

”Come on, Carolyn,” Samantha said on an exasperated breath. ”Of course we're your friends and of course you are coming to my party. It wouldn't be March fourteenth without you. I don't think I've had one birthday when you weren't there helping me to blow out my candles. Just don't get all emotional if Drew is with someone else, ok? It's bound to happen.”

Samantha shot Erica a look then, to silence her before she spoke. Then Samantha looked back at me and said, ”Now please, let's just talk about something else. I'm so bored.”

Jeremy came up to me after lunch as I stood outside my cla.s.sroom, waiting to be let in. ”Hey, Carolyn,” he said, all chipper. He reached into his backpack and pulled out a paper. ”Mrs. Quinn gave the quizzes back at the end of cla.s.s. I got a hundred! I don't even need you anymore.”

When I just stood staring straight ahead, Jeremy rubbed my upper arm and said, ”Earth to Carolyn. Hey, what's wrong?”

Apparently no one needs me.

”Carolyn,” he said, louder this time.

”What, Jeremy?” I snapped.

”What happened to you? Was it Drew?”

I shook my head. ”I'm fine, really. Just...it's been a weird day, that's all.”