Part 8 (1/2)
I wished that I could be a better friend to Kerri right now, to confide in her, share my shame to ease hers. Tell her that I knew how it could be so much worse. To give tacit consent to something you knew in your heart you didn't want. To remain silent and nod your head like some dumb-struck imbecile when someone was pressing down on you, asking you if you wanted it, when you really wanted to scream.
To lose your voice-that was the worst way of all.
But I couldn't be her friend. There was not one person I trusted with that secret. I decided before coming home that summer that I wouldn't tell a soul...that I'd forget it ever happened.
But I could never forget.
This girl is a b.i.t.c.h, I thought to myself as I watched Samantha try and take pictures of her friend, pa.s.sed out naked. Thankfully, I'd turned down every shot she'd tried to force feed me tonight. I was fairly sober compared to the rest of the fools at this party.
After erasing the pictures from Samantha's phone, covering Kerri with a blanket and then locking Kerri and Will inside the room so no one could walk in on them, I left. I'd had enough. I'd had enough of Samantha trying to grind on me and slip her hands into my jeans, enough of watching the weekend warriors puke into the bushes, and enough of watching Drew feel up one of his girlfriend's closest friends. Yeah, Mr. Perfect had been getting it on with Erica. In his defense, he was so messed up he probably didn't have any recollection of it today.
f.u.c.k that...there was no excuse.
It was times like this when I had the overwhelming sense that I just didn't fit in. I guess one could argue that most people in my age bracket feel misunderstood, but I pretty much always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I didn't want to drink myself into a stupor like these frat boys in training. I didn't think half the s.h.i.+t they thought was hilarious was even worth a chuckle.
Walking up the pathway to Carolyn's house on Sunday, I had a sudden, strong urge to hit something when I thought about her going out with that douchebag later on today. I wanted to turn around and go home, angry with her for being so clueless, and tormented because I knew what he was really like but I wasn't going to tell her a G.o.dd.a.m.ned thing.
The door swung open before I had a chance to knock. ”Jeremy! What are you doing here?” Jeez, this kid was good for my confidence. He looked up to me smiling, like I was the sun and the moon.
”Thomas, my man. Heard you're playing football this year, is that correct?”
”Yep and I'm a cornerback, just like you!”
”I'm gonna have to check out one of your games.”
”Really? There's only two left so you should probably come this Sat.u.r.day.”
”Oh. All right then, I'll be there.”
”I'll tell Zach, he'll be stoked.” Without taking a breath, he asked, ”You wanna see my iguana?”
”Sure but let me talk to Carolyn first. She's helping me study and she might want to get started right away, ok?”
”Oh,” he said, disappointed.
”I really have to study, Tom. I have to work really hard just to pa.s.s my cla.s.ses, you know?”
”Yeah, I get it. But you'll stay after for a few minutes?”
”Yeah, promise.”
Thomas started yelling Carolyn's name only to see her looking down at us, amused, from the upstairs landing. ”We'll study in my room, ok?” I nodded and started up the stairs.
”Jeremy said he'll stay and see my iguana after so let me know as soon as you're done, ok?”
”All right, Tom, I will,” she said, smiling at her brother. ”But we have a lot of work to do, ok? No interruptions.”
”Got it.”
”He's a great kid,” I said.
”He thinks you're a rock star. I think he was jealous when my mom was telling my dad about how you came to my rescue last week when I was sick.”
I looked around her room as she went to get us settled at her long work table. There was an entire wall dedicated to her medals and awards from various science fairs and programs. ”That's my nerd wall. I've got to take that stuff down. Some of it's from, like, eighth grade.”
”No, it's cool that you won all this.” She snickered, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. ”Really, Carolyn, it's impressive.”
She had pictures on another wall, a collage of her with friends, some from Westerly, some I didn't recognize. ”Who are these kids?”
”That's the group I worked with at Yale this summer and that group is from a summer camp program I used to attend. They're all science buddies.”
”Do you feel like you have more in common with them than you do with your friends here?”
”Besides Kerri, I have nothing in common with any of my friends.” She put air quotes around that last word.
”I wonder sometimes why you hang out with them. You and Samantha? It doesn't add up.”
She looked hurt then. ”I've known Samantha since I was a toddler. We're like sisters,” she said quietly, defensively. ”And what about you and Samantha? To me, that doesn't add up.” She mocked me, throwing my words back at me. ”But you certainly seem to find her interesting.”
”Why would you say that?”
She let out an exasperated sound as she looked to the ceiling. ”Please, you let her hang all over you at school.”
”I do?” I asked, amused.
”And from what I hear, you two had sooo much fun at her party on Friday night.”
”Oh, you heard that, did you?” Now I was p.i.s.sed. ”Did you hear that from your boy, Drew?”
”It's not important,” she said, brus.h.i.+ng me off.
”No,” I said, grasping her arm. ”It is important because it's not true.”
She looked at my hand on her arm and then looked to me, surprised. I let her arm go. ”You weren't with her Friday?” Carolyn asked.
”No, I've never been with her. Not for lack of effort on her part, though. What's it to you anyway?”
She leaned against her wall and then sank down to the floor, landing on her a.s.s. ”It's not my business, you're right. I just...I think she'll hurt you. Sometimes she can be-”
”A mean-spirited b.i.t.c.h?”
She rested her chin on her arms, crossed over her knees. She wouldn't say it but she was nodding her head.
”I'm not into her, Carolyn.”
”Good,” she murmured into her knees.
I was so tempted to tell her everything that went down Friday night but she was a big girl-she had to figure it out on her own. ”Ready to work?”
I was sitting in front of my easel in Figure Drawing. It met Tuesday nights at six, so that was my long day. After Carolyn tutored me, I spent around and hour weight training with the team and then I showered quick and made my way upstairs to the third floor studio. I loved it up there. Chuck Watters treated me like an adult, like a fellow artist. He was tough in the way he critiqued my work but I could take it. He made me better, much better.